Finders Keepers II – Real Husbands Of Nairobi (Real Men)

Today we want to want to focus on the men and the title of my message is ‘Real Husbands Of Nairobi’. We want to talk about real men. This sermon is not just for the men, but also for the women who love them, live with them or simply just want to understand them! The whole region was thrown in shock in July 2013 when two men from Kisauni agreed to sign a contract to marry the smae woman when they both realized they were having an affair with her. The agreement stated when each would take their shift in her house, how they would respect one another, and how if she gave birth they would both raise the child as their own. One of the men had already paid bride price for the woman but the other one agreed that he would also pay his bride price when ready. But when one of the men went public about the contract, he not only lost his job but had to go into hiding to escape the public backlash! The story was covered nationally, regionally and even internationally!

What’s your opinion about that story?

Well, we all have different opinions on it but I’m sure one thing we all agree is that the only reason this story made such big headlines nationally and internationally? Because the person with two spouses was a woman! If it had been a man, not only would it have been a very small story if at all, but it would even have been legal! You see, society expects certain moral looseness from men that it frowns upon when practiced by women. Today, the narrative in culture is that men are supposed to be irresponsible, unfaithful, selfish and immature. It just comes with the territory!

Maybe that’s why most men are not taught how to be men at home. Somehow, parents seem to invest a lot in teaching girls to be ladies. How to dress decently, how to work hard, how to be a wife or mom, the dangers of going out with strange boys and so on! But when it comes to boys, the thinking seems to be ‘since you can’t get pregnant, go on and figure it all out for yourself’. As a result, most men today struggle with what it means to be a man. We learn about manhood through the school of hard knocks.

But this is not just a recent phenomenon. The bible has some amazingly real stories of real men, some of whom accomplished great things, and yet who made a mess of their sexuality. Nobody taught them better! From Noah who slept with his two daughters to Abraham who had no problem allowing a king to sleep with his wife in order to save his life. From Jacob, who had two honeymoons back to back with sisters to Onan who masturbated to ensure he did not get sons for his dead brother. From Samson, who had a thing for Philistine prostitutes to David who killed his buddy because he’d made his wife pregnant. From Amnon who raped his own sister to his baby brother Solomon who had a serious woman addiction – he kept 700 wives and 300 concubines!

What is it about men and sex? We learnt in the first week that because of our rebellion, men became by nature dominators. Our relationships with the women in our lives are distorted and instead of offering leadership and protection, we often end up exploiting and taking advantage of them. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the area of sex. Research shows that the majority of cases of violence, rape, incest, child pornography and marital infidelity are committed by men.

But does this always have to be the case? Is it even possible or realistic for men to conquer their sex drive? Many seem to think not. We almost seem to believe that ‘men will be men’, and that’s just how men behave. Maybe that’s why we don’t spend too much time teaching boys about morals. For some men, the question would be, ‘why would I even want to conquer my sex drive?’ I’ve got the assets, the women just can’t keep away, so hey – YOLO! Which off course means, ‘you only live once!’ Yet another bunch of other men seem to think, ‘hey, I’ve got this covered. That’s not my issue. It’s not like I’m a pervert or anything. Pastor, preach to the guys who really need it!’

But as I said last week, every man must learn to conquer the smoldering fire that is his God-given sex drive. As men, you were created to rule. You were created for greatness! You were not made for mediocrity. There is nothing that undoes God’s great purpose for your life like an undisciplined sex drive. For many men, their untamed sexuality is like a grenade that they themselves have tossed, blowing up the huge ultimate purpose that God created them for. And they’ve ended up destroying their families, their friendships, their careers, and ultimately the huge impact they were created to have on this world. So men, old or young, married or single… this one is for you!

NOW THAT WE HAVE THAT OUT OF THE WAY, let me tell you a story 🙂

So my friend Joe, is accountant and he has a really interesting story from when he was younger. It was his first job, and he was working really hard to make an impression, because he was determined to gain a promotion. He did really well and his long hours were paying off, people really seemed to like him. After several months on the job, he noticed that his boss really seemed to like him and once in a while she would say something that was on the verge of being flirtatious. Let’s call her Mrs P, for the sake of anonymity. To be honest, he was flattered by the attention because why lie, she was quite a beautiful woman! But he did his best to deflect it because he also knew she was a married woman.

So one evening, she asks my friend to bring up a file to her office. He comes in and innocently puts it on her desk. As he was doing so, she went round him and kicked the door shut. Then she came up, held his arms and began to caress them, saying she had been looking forward to being alone with him for a long time. As he was still figuring out what was going on, she held his neck, moved towards him and opened her mouth to kiss him. What do you think my red-hot blooded young friend did? If you’re a man you know the answer right? Well let’s read the story…

Turn with me to Genesis 39:1-12 NIV

Joseph was a good-looking guy. The bible tells us that he was ‘well built and handsome’. He was what some women would call ‘eye candy’. Especially his boss’s wife, one of the real housewives of Cairo County! This woman ‘took notice of him’ – NKJV says she ‘cast longing eyes on him’ – (IOW – he looked like strawberry swirl ice-cream). She proceed to make all kinds of signals that she wanted to sample some of what he had going on! Maybe she winked at him, blew him a kiss, removed her jacked suggestively or maybe even slapped his behind! Not used to taking no for an answer, she assumed he was playing hard to get and that his “No” meant “Yes”! So the more he resisted, the more she flirted. Finally one day the cougar decided it was time to make a move on the pretty boy. She probably figured that once she had him alone, he would find her irresistible.

Why? Three reasons. First of all, she was a powerful woman who could make his life very comfortable – let’s call it, ‘poverty eradication strategy’. Secondly, they were alone so no one would ever know. But thirdly and most importantly, he was a young man, his body full of hormones! After all, which young man do you know who would be able to say no to a beautiful half-naked lady who desired to sleep with him? But as young as Joseph was, his response to his situation teaches a powerful lesson to all of us and especially to the men. The bible tells us ‘he left his cloak in her hands and RAN out of the house’. In a tempting situation that most men would have found it almost impossible to resist, he did not even hesitate; he knew exactly what to do! And even though it meant he lost his job, Jacob’s action saved him from destroying his destiny.

Look at it this way. Joseph was created for greatness. Even in that lowly position, God was training him to become the prime minister of Egypt. Unknown to him, his God-given purpose was to save the world from starvation. Joseph’s purpose would involve managing great resources, which would require great character. And his decisions were setting him up to achieve that purpose.

Some of us want to be great, we want to prosper, but the fact is that we are so undisciplined that prosperity would destroy us! We were created to lead men but we’re busy running after women. And so God keeps you poor and insignificant to save your life – at least then you’ll continue to pray!

So how can men triumph over their sexuality so that instead of it controlling them, they control it? How can we harness our sex drive so it doesn’t sabotage our destiny? In our highly sexualized culture, how can we be that rare type of man who win the war against lust and achieve God’s purpose for our lives?

Joseph teaches us a dramatic thing about sexual temptation. You see the bible teaches us that we deal with sexual temptation differently that we deal with the devil. When it comes to the devil, James 4:7 says ‘resist the devil and he will flee from you’. But when it comes to sexual temptation, 1 Cor 6:18 says ‘Flee from sexual immorality!’ We beat the devil through offense, but when it comes to sexual temptation, we must play defense!

I want to share three defensive barriers that I learnt in my own life to put up against sexual temptation, and that I believe will help you win the war against lust and walk in freedom as God’s man (and for some here as God’s woman).

Barrier #1 is … YOUR EYES – Like I said last week, men are extremely sexually aware. Men receive sexual gratification through the eyes. We aren’t even picky! It can be a photo of a nude stranger just as easily as a romantic moment with your wife. We have a visual ignition switch when it comes to the female anatomy. Research shows that a man’s brain has a physiological response to seeing a woman’s anatomy that is comparable to his response to delicious food. Apparently when a man sees a beautiful woman’s legs or some other body part, there is a chemical reaction in the ‘pleasure’ circuits of his brain! This is a physical response, a part of a male’s design. Women don’t understand this because they aren’t stimulated the same way. But men can engage in foreplay through their eyes!

So the first defensive barrier we must put up is around our eyes. How? The words of an amazingly wise man called Job in Job 31:1 teach us this. ‘I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl’. In other words, he and his eyes made a deal together. How do you make a covenant with your eyes? You do so by committing never to give a second look to something that gives you sexual gratification, unless it is your wife. Notice I said a second look. You see, you can hardly avoid noticing the women around you, that music video on TV, that receptionist with a low cut blouse. I mean, you’d have to be made out of stone not to notice! But once you notice that you’ve noticed, that’s when you act – you must train your eyes to immediately bounce away and not to look back!

Now I must say that this is very difficult to do if you’ve never done it before. And it can make for awkward conversations! But the good news is that lust is not a disease that requires medical treatment. It’s a bad habit created by bad choices. And we defeat it the same way we defeat other bad habits. By consistently making good choices in order to create good habits. You need to know that, your body will fight back. It wants that chemical high that you’ve been feeding it with. You’ll need to be wise, and understand the times you’re most vulnerable so that you don’t get caught by surprise. Determine in advance that you will immediately bounce your eyes away. If it’s a newspaper, turn the page. If it’s an ad on TV, change the channel! I’ve noticed there’s a lot of soft porn today slipped into movies and some of the most popular TV series rated PG13 and above e.g. Scandal, Homeland, Game of Thrones. If it’s a TV series, forward the scene or better still, stop watching it! Nowadays I read through a Christian review before I watch it. Your eyes are the external barrier – like the fence to your house.

The 2^nd barrier you must set up is around…

YOUR MIND – If your eyes are the perimeter fence, your mind is like the walls of your house. You see, your mind is even craftier than your eyes! If you starve it of sensual images, it digs deep into the hard drive and creates its own. You think of a workmate and your mind imagines what it would be like to take her to bed. And old girlfriend pops into mind and your brain recreates old memories or fabricates new ones! How do you put a barrier around such a powerful computer?

Putting a barrier around your eyes is helpful because it keeps new images from rushing in. But the 2^nd thing you must do is to take your thoughts captive. 2 Corinthians10:5 says, ‘we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ’.How do you you’re your thoughts captive? This is another trick I learnt. You do it by inserting God’s word to replace lustful thoughts. For example, when I have a sinful thought, I say aloud to myself ‘I take captive that thought right now and make it obedient to Jesus Christ’. It’s interesting that it actually works!

You see, you never outgrow a dirty mind! Indulging it is like pouring kerosene on a fire! You must take it captive. To take thoughts captive, you need to memorize what I call defensive verses. Whether it’s a nude picture you stumbled on, or an old girlfriend that popped into mind, or a woman at work that’s ‘your type’, you go on red alert and filter out the wrong thoughts by consciously taking them captive. Even here, impurity fights back. So have your resistance verses ready. He’ll say things like…

‘You’re the only one dealing with this issue. People will laugh at you if you confess!’ But you say aloud… 1 Corinthians10:13 ‘No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. (There are many others dealing with the same problem!) And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it’

‘You’ve failed so many times before – don’t even try!’ Proverbs 24:16 ‘Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again!’

‘You’re a disgrace! God will never accept you.’ Romans 5:8 ‘But God demonstrates his own love for us in this – while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!’

‘What’s wrong with just looking! Just because you can’t order doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu!’ Job 31:1 ‘I have made a solemn pact with myself never to undress a girl with my eyes’

You must set up the barrier of God’s word to take it captive. The 3^rd and inmost barrier is…

YOUR HEART – Your heart is your resistance of last resort. If your eyes are your perimeter fence and your mind is the walls of the house, then your mind is like the panga that you put under your bed. When your external defences are breached, and it’s no longer about looking at someone or thinking about them, when you’re in that room and in the line of fire, it’s the condition of your heart that will save you. Notice that this is what helped Joseph overcome. The reason he fled from Mrs P was not because she wasn’t beautiful. It was not because he wasn’t tempted. It was not because Mr P might find out. The reason Joe fled was what? V.9 ‘How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?’ 

Clearly, young Joe had realized that even though no one else might every find out, God would certainly know. And he valued his relationship with his heavenly Daddy too much to allow it to be destroyed by a one-night fling – no matter how attractive it was! Joseph had a deep relationship with God: One that could only have come from spending time with Him. You see, when you have a real friendship with your Father who loves you, when you are tight with him, when you know how much He approves of you – then when you’re faced with a difficult choice, your first thought is, ‘I want my daddy to be proud of me!’ I’m not going to throw it all away, just for that! Yes she may be beautiful, yes that internet video may be alluring, yes everything in me might be screaming ‘lets do this!’, but my Father who loves me is in this room, and I respect him too much to go down that road! Developing an affection for God displaces the affection for things that dishonour God.

These then are your three defensive barriers you need as a man – your eyes, your mind and your heart. You must build these barriers; your life depends on it! You must not only build these barriers but you must keep strengthening them all your life. Some of you are struggling with these things and I believe what you’ve learnt today will save your life if you choose to apply it. Some of you learnt these truths a while back and they’ve saved you from many dangers. But don’t make the mistake of becoming complacent! You may be indulging in small practices right now that are weakening your defences. One counsellor shared how a Christian man had come to see him because he felt bored in his marriage and was wondering what was wrong. After some work together, the counsellor shared that he noticed the man really enjoyed watching R rated movies, which showed a lot of sex scenes. Even if it wasn’t porn, he asked him to stop it and to take captive his eyes and mind. After a little while of doing this, he says the man’s affection for his wife returned!

I heard about an old army general who was diagnosed with cancer. Given only 2 years to live, he decided to fight the disease with everything he could. During treatments, he visited his relatives, took holidays with his wife and spent a lot of time with his kids. 9 years after the diagnosis, he was struggling with shortage of breath and loss of strength but when asked why he had decided to keep fighting, he replied ‘what choice do I have?’ You see the man realized that it was either choose to fight or quit and die! We too have no alternative but to fight the battle for our eyes, mind and heart. It’s either we choose to fight or we quit and die! To die to our dreams, to die to our destiny, to die to any hope of intimacy with our wife (present or future). It’s not about being heroic. It’s not about doing the easy thing. We may try and fall down. But we get up again and keep fighting! The most encouraging thing is that even though God might not change the habit for us, He will walk with us to help us win victory over it! All we have to do is decide to fight.

I jokingly called this sermon Real Husbands of Nairobi but it’s really about real men! Remember men, you were created for greatness. You were not created to be a victim or to be mediocre. Yes it may be hard but you were created to win battles, starting with the battles within. God has a great destiny for you. He created you to rule on His behalf. He created you to make a difference in your generation. He loves you greatly and is proud of you. And He has given you everything you need to be a ruler.

Imagine a group of mighty men who make a difference in their generation.
Imagine men who do not run after women but who lead men and women.
Imagine men who are so confident in their identity because they know who they are, and whose they are.
Imagine men who are faithful to their women and their families.
Imagine that these men are so focused that when people spend a few minutes with them they ask them, ‘are you from Mavuno Church?’ Imagine that there’s a generation of men like these, and you (or the man you love) are one of them!

NEXT WEEK, we talk about women and sexuality. See you there!

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