Finders Keepers II – Tujuane

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Last week we began a brand new series, ‘Finders Keepers II’, and we’re learning what God’s word says about how to find and keep the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. We began by understanding why relationships today are in such a mess. Because of the consequences of human rebellion, when it comes to relationships, women tend to manipulate while men tend to dominate. But we saw that it doesn’t have to be this way for us, because God is able to save us not only spiritually but sexually as well. Today we want to delve a little deeper into the differences between men and women and the title of my message is ‘Tujuane’. So let me start with a question…

What is one thing that drives you up the wall about the opposite gender?

You only need to observe little children from a young age to be convinced that there’s something that is intrinsically different between male and female. What are some of those differences? Let’s look at a few… (By way of caveat – let me acknowledge some generalizations in the following)

a.     We have different biology:

Reproductive systems: are different! Men’s reproductive systems are engineered to produce & deliver sperm to fertilize the female ova, while women’s reproductive systems are engineered to regularly produce ova, and if these are fertilized to carry a baby to term and to provide nurture during infancy years.

Chromosomes: Right from the point of conception, there is a genetic difference, so that each cell of the embryo has the genetic material that defines it as male or female (XY or XX chromosomes). 7 days after fertilization hormones are released within the embryo that instruct it to develop either male or female sexual organs so that the child born is either a boy or a girl. The problem with sex change operations is that while it’s possible to change the plumbing, nothing can be done to change the God-given assignment of gender… We’re different in literally every cell of our bodies!

Abilities: Most little girls develop language skills before boys. They also tend to be better with their hands – fine motor skills develop faster. Boys on the other hand, have faster muscle development so they have better spatial ability (good for sports, throwing a spear, finding way back home etc)

Brains: Even our brains work differently! Women have more connective tissue (corpus callosum) between the 2 brain hemispheres. Thus they tend to use both sides of their brains simultaneously while men typically switch between either left brain OR right brain. The result is that men are either in ‘thinking mode’ or ‘feeling mode’ while women can do both at the same time! This is why in crisis, a man typically withdraws to his cave (he needs to think through what he’s feeling before he feels it!). A woman can think, feel and talk all at the same time – and so she wants to process it there and then. This can cause a lot of interesting dynamics in marriage!

b. We have different psychology – not only are we different biologically but we think differently!

Self Esteem: Men draw their sense of self worth primarily from being respected at work, while women depend primarily on relationships to support their self-esteem.

Emotions: Women have an amazing body chemistry regulated by hormones which give them the potential to carry new life. As a result of these hormones, their emotions vary throughout the month. The early part of the cycle, estrogen is released, resulting in hope, energy, enthusiasm & optimism. In the second half of the cycle, progesterone is released, resulting in decreased hope, energy, enthusiasm and self-esteem and perhaps increased irritability. Most men have no idea what’s going on because their emotions are rarely affected by hormones.

Stress Management: Now that I have explained the mysteries of womanhood to men, let me explain one of the great mysteries of manhood to women! You may have wondered why men obsess with TV remotes, newspapers at home, sports, etc. To cope with stress or failure, men learn to temporarily forget their real problems and focus something that will stop them from thinking about their stressful situation. Watching TV allows him to stop thinking and just relax. John Gray of ‘Men are from Mars women are from Venus’ – says that in traditional societies, men gazed at the fire in the evenings! Channel surfing gives him a sense of control over his circumstances. Reading the news helps him block out his own problems by reading about global problems that make his feel smaller. Hobbies support his feeling of being skilled and competent. Sports allow him to redirect his frustration & energy elsewhere (in the past accomplished through war and raiding parties]. Movies allow him to identify with screen characters, helping him to connect with feelings that his day job doesn’t. That’s why after a heavy sermon, I don’t want to watch a nice romantic comedy… I want to watch something truly epic – the more violent the better! (By the way, women tend to watch movies because of relationships, hence the popularity of that male misunderstood genre – the soap opera! Men are left wondering what’s the plot? When does this thing start or finish? Where’s the action?)… we have different biology, psychology

c.     We have different aspirations:

Little boys long to be strong/great, to be admired, to be potent and to conquer…

Because of these deep aspirations, many men have come to believe the Great Male Myth… ‘I am what I do’. For many men, if you’re a failure at what you do, you’ve failed at being a man. For most men, the scorecard for success is their monthly paycheck and trophies of success are the toys their earnings can buy them: The gadgets, the house, the car, the holiday, even the wife! Thus many men think, ‘If I can just work harder and make more, I’ll be more successful’. The epitome of this myth is the workaholic. Workaholics often accept this title as a badge of honor. IN their eyes, they are more manly than other ‘wimpish’ men who can only do 40 hours a week!

Little girls long to be beautiful, to be a bride, to be fruitful, to live happily ever after…

Because of these deep aspirations, many women have come to believe the Great Female Myth … Marriage and children will make me a real woman. It doesn’t matter how successful you are, for many women, you’re a failure if you are unable to get married or at least be a mother. That’s why being single can be so stressful for a woman, especially at that stage when all her friends are getting married. And it doesn’t stop there; it’s often amazing to men how difficult it is for women when they are unable to have children. A final area of difference…

d. We have different sexuality:

Men are extremely sexually aware. The average normal male thinks about sex more often than he cares to admit. I’m talking about men in their eighties as well as teenagers! Preachers as well as truck drivers! Men often wake up thinking about it, and they go to bed thinking about it. This obsession can fade or vanish for a season. Give him a draining job or an intense challenge at work. Let him buy a new phone or computer. He’ll forget about sex for a season but sooner or later like a smoldering fire, it will flare up again.

These sexual feelings are determined more by hormones than by evil desire. They are not sinful in and of themselves. From the moment sex hormones begin to flow, the male begins a battle for control, and the man who doesn’t win this battle (e.g. losing it to pornography) could eventually become dangerous to women and society. Rapists are men who have given up struggling to control their sex drive. This problem is much aggravated by women not understanding the male sex drive. Women typically don’t understand that all men are turned on by revealing dresses, short skirts, tight clothes or close proximity. Of course men should take control of their sexuality but as our sisters, we need you to help us along!

Women, in contrast, tend to be attracted sexually not to a photograph of an unknown model or to a handsome stranger but to a particular man with whom she has entered into an emotional relationship. For women, sex is driven by emotions.  A woman will often be tempted to sleep with a man because she hopes to establish a relationship with him. For men, sex is driven by his hormones. Men are more visually oriented, as opposed to being romantically oriented. There is a direct connection between our eyes and our sexual organs! This is not to say women don’t naturally have a desire for sex or that men don’t naturally have a desire to be loved. But generally, a woman has sex to show her love while a man has sex to fulfill his sexual desire.

We are different! God created us very differently, giving us complementary strengths and weaknesses so that WE NEED EACH OTHER. We learnt last week however that our rebelliousness caused us to lose the ability to enjoy the perfect rule and relationships we were created for. Our natural, God given aspirations have been twisted so instead of being rulers and relaters, we have become dominators and manipulators. …

2. The World’s Solution: 

Traditionally, all around the world, men have dominated women and relegated them to subordinate positions. In modern society, the backlash through the women’s rights movement has attacked this subordination & undervaluing of women. I heartily applaud its attempt to do away with injustice and oppression. Women have proved that they can do practically anything that men can do – that they have the same value. But here’s the greatest problem of the women’s movement – you cannot solve a spiritual problem with a human solution! Here are some of the results when we try to do so…

Male Domination – The women’s rights movement has affirmed and confirmed male characteristics as more mature & thus women have to be more ‘male’ to win or succeed. Women who lead corporations end up dressing like men and being just as tough and competitive as the next guy. Women even use the phrase, ‘man up’ to other women. This means that nations, businesses, universities, churches etc. are run in a male way that emphasizes competition, dominance and suppression of others. Men and women alike dismiss values that are more feminine as weak – for example peacemaking, consensus, humility, balance and nurturing. This is actually domination sneaking in from the back door! You see, liberation is the freedom to be the individual you were made to be; it is not success at being someone else.

Female Subordination – Ironically as a result, women themselves are suspicious of women in leadership e.g. many women openly said they wouldn’t vote for a woman president in 2013. In my humble opinion, women often cut each other down in the workplace and women bosses will often tell you it’s harder to lead women than men!

Confused Women – The doing away with gender roles has freed women from stereotypes but it has left women confused about what their role really is. They face the conflicting messages of ‘be all you can be’ in the workplace and ALSO be a super mom and bring up wonderful kids at home. As a result, many women in our workplaces almost feel embarrassed to be mothers. The result is a generation of children that is un-parented and confused, and of young parents who are constantly harassed by guilt that their kids have been brought up by others and who try to make up for it with expensive schools and toys and vacations.

Confused Men – But its not just women. Men too don’t know what their role is or what it means to be a man. They don’t know if they should be Mr. Macho Man or Mr. Nice Guy. Because of workaholic or absent fathers, most boys are growing up today without a father to guide them into what it means to be a man. The message society has given them is that they have no value. In their confusion, many are commitment phobic – fearful to commit to a relationship, and some have turned to homosexuality. We have become a generation of irresponsible men who move from woman to woman, fearful of making a commitment.

We’ve swung from one extreme to another; out of the frying pan into the fire! We’re still swallowing the devil’s oldest lie ‘Do it yourself’! And yet, when women fail to be women and men fail to be men, society self-destructs. Dr. Charles Winick at City University of New York studied more than 2000 cultures that have existed in world history. He found only 55 where masculinity and femininity were blurred. Not one of those unisexual societies survived! Why? Because a society can be no stronger than the vitality of its families, and its families are functions of the way the sexes relate to each other. When women fail to be women and men fail to be men, society self-destructs! The world’s solution clearly doesn’t solve the problem. So let’s look at… 

3. God’s Solution:

How do we start moving towards biblical manhood and biblical womanhood? Last week we said that despite the devil’s deception, Christ came to destroy the devil’s work and to reconcile us with God. Because of Jesus, we can be restored to God’s intention. Through Jesus, we can discover God’s intention for what it means to be a man/woman. Let’s read together a passage about Jesus in Mark 1:9-11

Here’s the point of this very important passage. Before you can enjoy your sexuality, you need to know your identity. 3 critical things Jesus hears from His Father before He begins His mission…

a.  Acceptance – ‘You are my Son

There was no identity crisis for Jesus. Jesus knew who He was and didn’t need the world to validate him or define him. God made you who you are. There was no mistake! He lovingly knit you together. He placed you in your situation. You belong to Him & He accepts you, just as you are. Being successful at work doesn’t make you more of a man. Your maleness is a God given gift. You are God’s son! Being a wife or mother doesn’t make you more of a woman. Your femaleness is a God given gift. You are God’s daughter! Before you can enjoy your sexuality, you need to know your identity.

b.  Affection – ‘Whom I love

A person who doesn’t know they are loved will manipulate others to get a sense of belonging or of being loved. This applies to all of us but let me specifically address the women as you are naturally attuned towards relationship: Ladies of Mavuno, listen to me! ‘Being a wife or mother will not provide the love you are looking for’. You will not find this love in marriage or in having a child. Many single women are so afraid of not being loved that they are willing to risk their faith. ‘Let me take off and find a man, then I’ll come back to church’. You are risking your faith for something that will not satisfy you! Some of you are mark-timing in your faith, waiting for marriage to make you complete! But unless you first become content in God’s love, you are going to make a mess of marriage. Many married women are miserable in their marriages, seeking to manipulate their husbands to love them enough/to change him to be the man that you want. Stop! Unless you first realize God’s love, you are going to destroy your marriage. Others are so dependent on their husbands that they would be crushed if anything happened to this man. Before you can enjoy your sexuality, you need to know your identity. ALLOW ME TO SPEAK YOUR FATHER’S WORDS TO YOU… ‘You are a loved! You do not need any man to tell you are beautiful, God says you are! You don’t need to get married or have a child to be more complete. You are a complete woman! You are worthy to be loved. God Himself says these words and they are true’! I pray that you will first of all accept and experience God’s love. Ask God to show you what it means to be loved…

c.  Approval – ‘With whom I am well pleased

A person who has not received a Father’s approval will work their whole lives to prove to themselves and others that they are somebody; that they can succeed. Their identity is tied up to what they do or own. But Jesus didn’t have to earn His Father’s approval. He received it BEFORE He began in ministry! As a result, Jesus didn’t need the crowd’s approval to accomplish His work; not moved by their cheers or their jeers; their applause or their claws – He knew who He was! If we don’t have a sense of our Father’s approval, we’ll spend our lives living for the approval of others, chasing the wind as we try to prove to ourselves that we are a success.

This applies to all of us but let me specifically address the men of Mavuno as you naturally tend towards rule: Men of Mavuno, listen to me! ‘Being successful at work will not provide the kind of approval you are looking for’. Mid-life crisis is what happens when you realize you’ve spent the first half of your life investing in things that don’t count: You’ve lost your relationship with your children and your wife and it’s too late to recapture the lost time. You’ve been going very fast but in the wrong direction! ALLOW ME TO SPEAK YOUR FATHER’S WORDS TO YOU… ‘I’m proud of you! I made you for greatness! I approve of you! It’s not what’s in your account or the position you have at work that makes me approve of you. I’m proud of you, son. God Himself says these words and they are true!

Before you can enjoy your sexuality, you need to know your identity. I pray that you will learn to first of all accept and experience your Father’s approval. Ask God to show you what it means to be the Son with whom He is well pleased…

The next couple of weeks we’ll dig deeper in the subject of biblical manhood and womanhood. Finding your identity is just the first step.

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20 Responses to “Finders Keepers II – Tujuane”

  1. Beloved of God Says:

    Hi Pastor M,

    To be frank, I usually sit through sermons about relationships with a sceptical attitude as I am single and have been so for a while. I was in full sceptical mode today!

    You woke me up from sceptical mode when you said that we needed to understand our identity in Christ before we could enjoy our sexuality.

    I began learning about the principle differences between men and women in my church as a teenager. What took longer to know and understand is how much God loves and values me. He calls me (of all people!) His friend: the apple of His eye, no less! I am His.

    I spent a long time looking for a sense of wholeness and worth in the approval of people, specifically, my father and in the affection of the men that I dated. The guys were not bad people. But I learned through tears, that the only one who can bear the full weight of human expectations is God. People disappoint us because they were not born with the ability to fill our cup. Only God does that. And He does it well.

    After many years of confusion and hurt, I can testify that God is the best friend a girl can have and Jesus is the true lover of my soul.

    I can say this a single 40-something Mavunite who hopes to one day find a husband who knows his matchless value in God’s eyes and understands that Jesus is the true lover of his soul. I also hope that we will have a great sex life! As a Mavunite, I can write that without blushing!

    Thank you for speaking God’s truth to us so vividly today.

    P.S.
    I promise to have a less sceptical attitude during your next sermon.

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  2. #men are either in ‘thinking mode’ or ‘feeling mode’ while women can do both at the same time! This is why in crisis, a man typically withdraws to his cave (he needs to think through what he’s feeling before he feels it!). This is really truly me…… I want to go away and critically analyse what I am feeling before I can allow it to happen.

    But my best from the sermon is to understand that Jesus (and in extension I ) received God’s approval before Ministry. Meaning that it is not the achievements that will win me approval. It is BEING God’s son! the difference is like day an night, Wah!

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  3. In God’s time, he will make all things beautiful and fulfill our desires according to his will. Pastor M, May God bless you in a special way.

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  4. Pastor M, you do not know what you are doing to us who have made all these mistakes. You are giving us so much hope. If i knew all these you are teaching me today when i was a young girl, i bet today i would have been a better woman, married or single but happy. But unfortunately i am suffering the consequences of ignorance and lack of having a personal relationship with God because i have always filled my vacuum with men who have never respected nor loved me because they have used me like a door mat and dumped me only to leave me a lonely single mother of two sons. My father was never there for me because he is a drunk and i come from a Catholic background.

    As i may have regretted for the rest of my life and revenged and live a miserable lady, I chose to join Mavuno Church in 2011 because i found a church that accepted people like me. I am happy that i have done some of the Marathon programes designed in the church e.i. Mizizi, Simama, Lea, and Ombi that have really helped me in my walk with Christ. When i talk like that i do not say today am holier than thou but i have now understood that such a Church is here for people like me so that we can be restored and be what God has created us to be and not live in guilt and shame.

    I wont mind confessing about a relationship that i entered into just when i joined the church and i will say i have been engaging in it because i gave in to sex before marriage in the hope that the man will marry me. (relating to the sermon). I knew this one will really work for me because the man looked better than all the men i ever dated not forgetting the fathers of my two sons. (born from different fathers). To my shock the man secretly married another woman while in the relationship and that shocked me to death. If i was not in MAVUNO CHURCH, my world would have gone crazy, but from all what I have been taught, the problem is not all these men who have hurt me this deep including my dad, but ME.

    I am struggling with the sin for fornicating (am not married) and adultery (he is now married) because of relating with him still knowing at the back of my mind it is a sin. I understand it is a bondage that i am praying day in day out that the Lord will remove me from it and I am fully aware it is only Him who can help me out. I wont lie to you, that i have confessed these severally to my prayer partner and she is standing with me right there and she is walking with me with the hope that soon it will be a won battle. It might take time or less time but i know soon it will be behind my back. But while i am working out on it. I have chosen not to leave church but be right here so that i can easily overcome it because i know if i go out there, i will be the worst of all.

    I believe the next time i will be sharing, it will be a Testimony on how God removed me from it and how blessed He will have blessed me because i know it is a matter of time but first appreciating that i am living in sin and not covering it. But i thank God for my prayer partner who is walking with me in this area. (i have confessed and forgiven the man and now working on it)

    I thank God that i have been given the space to even serve just the way i am not because I am perfect, but i am working very hard to be set free from those hard sins that i can not overcome within a day, month or an year. I still have hopes that God will bring to me my right partner and i know i will be married in a Holy Wedding. There is hope for me. Keep preaching to us. I know am a representation of women here who can’t come out openly because of the trauma and stigma that is laid on us who have been hurt and left with our shame because of our past mistakes.

    God bless you Pastor M. You have spoken to my heart that, i should understand that God loves me the way i am, and i do not need to fill that void with men who use me and damp me yet am a sweet beautiful woman in His eyes! In that matter, i am His Loved Daughter.

    I find now sense to be connected to my God first and relate with men knowing that one day i will be happily married or remain single but with the joy of the Lord in me and be used of Him in His kingdom and becoming a fearless influence in the society

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    • Beloved of God Says:

      Rogato,

      Thank you for sharing your story and for serving in the church.

      Like

    • Thank you Beloved of God! Its encouraging to see someone support you!

      Like

    • Wow… Thanks for sharing. If you want someone to walk with you, please visit istopped.wordpress.com and I will direct you to a lady that can walk with you through this struggle. I went through a serious sexual struggle and overcame so I understand what you are going through.

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  5. I sat through church on Sunday and some things finally made sense. Like when I argue with a guy, he is quiet as i talk on and on. And all this while, I have been taking it as a sign of being insensitive. Kumbe the poor guy just needs time to go and ingest all that. i will try to talk less and to give my guy space when he does need it. apparently, he might need the space more than I do

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  6. My Galfriend Says:

    I Feel like I owe you pst M a payment
    WHERE WOULD I HAVE LEARNT ALL THESE?????
    You can be assured my relationship is definately a changed story now on. So much I hav understood about him and even about myself.
    Poor guy for all those times I made scenes wooooiye

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  7. Fragrance Says:

    I don’t go to Mavuno but this is just awesome! Hmmh… Understand who you are. Know your self worth.. Thanks Pastor M for this.. I’ve learnt a lot and I am now wiser!

    Like

  8. Paul Otieno Says:

    Wooo…wo..woo! God is moving. Even in my Jubilee year i am learning something new i have never thought about. I feel guilty of my shortfall and also thank my Lord for this revelation. To me i can humbly say that we are equal before God despite gender and age. I pray to my Father that we hear and do His will by His grace and help. Pst M may God bless you and yours to continue being submitted to using you as a medium for His message. Pray for us who fall short as we also pray for you.

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  9. pastor pastor pastor!!!!!!
    By the way am shouting at you, shouting to your ear drums the way you shouted on sunday!
    Ok, you did not shout but there is way God emphasizes the lines that are specifically mine in a sermon, they come straight to my ears without a sieve! RAW!

    How can i possibly start this one?
    Are we allowed to blog in mother tongue? coz when an in my element i go everything basic!!
    I loose the description in foreign and get real, but lets try english still.

    ……..as i defended ”blurred lines” all week long…some weeks back, i had a deep seated discomfort, not of the bill board, but some-something somewhere in my gut felt uneasy….the one of”can we just wrap this month up and move on!” you know! But knowing what i know of mavuno”read Pr. M when it comes to issues “sexuality, he not only turns all stones!! he Turns them and rolls them,…. and again!

    Anyweay i survived the first sunday and got courage for a second jab! and i got it!! and here it went….

    I have heard these words before, but it has a whole new meaning when a pastor says it!! …..A man has sex to fulfill his sexual desire…he may say he loves you but he actually might not!…Yaani, my heart almost popped out together with my eyeballs!!
    Have i sought love in all WRONG places all in the name of affirmation? Have i THROWN myself at men in search for this love that God so freely, willingly went to so much cost to give me?

    These words pastor,
    ALLOW ME TO SPEAK YOUR FATHER’S WORDS TO YOU… ‘You are a loved! You do not need any man to tell you are beautiful, God says you are! You don’t need to get married or have a child to be more complete. You are a complete woman! ”

    ……were not a shout but a scream to my ear, how i have searched for this affirmation!

    Now i fully understand, my inner discomfort, that girl in the bill board, was me caught in the very act by this sermon and God says, he loves me and he forgives me and he claims me as his own!

    My prayer is that i ACCEPT HIS LOVE, receive it because only then, wil i experience sexuality Gods way.

    And to mavuno….apana, to hill city!
    yu are a hill in this city, and trust me the view from the hill is not seeing the tallest buildings in nairobi, it is seeing the tallest struggles in our hearts….go for them and demolish them!

    ……and to you pastor,
    hata sijui
    may God of Jacob ( ok i dont know why jacob has come to my mind)
    May HE who is able to do exeedingly……….annoint you once again and put you, and your family…extended family, read mavunites, on a hill of blessings, that without a doubt looking at you,(us) the world will know, there is a God….that God of Jacob, of Moses, of….. and now, of the hill city!

    ……ps. i hope todays sermon is less heavy
    cross fingers…cheers

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    • Hi Njerry! You just made my day. When i was reading what you have written i was laughing to death but to be honest i was connecting with you kabisa and Mavuno is nothing but our hospital because this is where our healing will come from and to be honest next time Pastor M is preaching this Topic, we will be mentors who were mentored by non other but our Pastor M! Man of God, i told you we are many and may the Lord continue blessing you and open our eyes more! Thank you Njerry for sharing, am very encouraged by your note!

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  10. Pastor M,
    I have a confession….. I had a lot of problems with the infamous #mavunoposter. I really did. But having listened to this sermon (and read the one before and after) and having read the comments that followed, I must say: God has really spoken through you concerning sex and relationship issues, and the way you’re addressing them is so real and powerful and profound that it’s amazing! I have learnt a lot from this particular sermon; some I already knew, some I didn’t, and some that has shocked me (because they were said out loud….IN CHURCH!) But now I agree, if we don’t talk about sex and relationships in the church, then we have let the world define these issues by default and we CANNOT DO THAT! So thank you, for myself who was a major sceptic about these sermon series (even though I am a believer), and for all those who are being ministered to. May God bless you and guide you to continue to do His will. And may He be glorified by your ministry.

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    • Amen Nduta. I was praying for all those who were skeptical about the advert and i thank God you came and found the truth but nothing but the truth about what God intends in our lives in relation to the topic that we are learning through (Finders Keepers II) May the Lord bless you and fulfill your hearts desires. Amen!

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    • Amazing… I am a beneficiary of this real church called Mavuno. I came day one deep in sexual sin and the 1st message I heard was “Pink men” https://mavuno.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/sermon-online-6/

      This sermon changed my life completely. I heard someone testifying that he used to watch porn and masturbate every day and now is fighting it one day at a time with the help of his bible study group (LG) and pastors in Mavuno.

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  11. I forgot to post this earlier but I rung in my head during the service…especially when Pst. M talked about the world view of male qualities being exalted and feminine qualities being suppressed.
    The previous day, I spent my day with my cousin and she told me how she went to a school where she was beaten by her teacher for being number 1 in class….(yes, your eyes aren’t playing tricks)
    Then the dudes would be beaten for not being number one and in turn they’d hate her…
    And here I thought we were happy that the girl-child was picking pace…sad!! so SAD!!!

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  12. Thank you Pst. M,

    You are a blessing to this generation. This sermon is so on time and I believe just as it has rebuild my perception and worldview in the area of relationship I pray that it will rebuild, transform and restore many who will read and listen to you.

    God blessings!
    Kazi

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