Finders Keepers II – Devious Maids (Real Women)

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We’re going through a series called ‘Finders Keepers II’ learning from God’s word about how to find and keep the love that lasts a lifetime. We began with‘The Morning After’, where we learnt that relationships today are in big mess because as a result of our rebellion against God, women tend to manipulate while men tend to dominate. This is why we need God to save us not only spiritually but sexually as well. In ‘Tujuane’, we saw that in a society that often blurs the lines, God has created clear differences between men and women and learnt that ‘before you can enjoy your sexuality, you need to know your identity.’ And then last week in  ‘Real Husbands Of Nairobi’, we talked about men and sexuality and our main takeout was ‘against the devil, play offense, but against sexual temptation, play defence! 

So today we want to talk about women and the title of my message is Devious Maids or maybe lets just call it Real Women! This one’s for the ladies, as well as for the men who love them, work with them or just want to understand them! Early last year, the Kenyan government with funding by USAID and the UK government aired an advertisement on TV that caused a lot of controversy. Their justification for it was that HIV/Aids infections had been steadily rising among married couples and that women in committed relationships, long considered a low risk group, comprised the highest number of new infections. Married couples were three times more likely to be infected than prostitutes. The said advert showed two women in a marketplace. Woman 1 asks Woman 2 how she and her husband are. Woman 2 says her husband has become a drunkard lately and spends most of his time at the bar. Woman 1 then asks her about “the other one” and Woman 2 smiles coyly as she glances at a man selling fruit nearby, and says she is happy with him. Woman 1 then asks if she uses a condom and Woman 2 is quiet, but looks embarrassed. The advert ends with Woman 1 advising her that it is important to use a condom to protect herself and her loved ones. The final tag line is “Weka Condom Mpangoni”, or in English, “factor a condom into your plans”!

What is your opinion about the ‘weka condom mpangoni’ ad?

HOW MANY DISAGREE WITH ITS USE? It aids the problem! Seems to say let’s just go with the flow, there’s no use preaching morality! Doesn’t express compassion to those injured by infidelity, but legitimizes it

HOW MANY AGREE WITH ITS USE? It’s the reality on the ground and it invited an uncomfortable and yet urgent conversation, and it educates women who are having affairs to at least protect their family.

Well, whether you agree with it or not, it’s clear that unlike in our parent’s generation, being a woman is different today than in the past. Far from being expected to be in the background, taking care of the home, today, women flourish in our corporate workplaces, doing what their male colleagues do and often beating them at it. In many homes today, wives earn more than their husbands. Many women manage huge responsibilities at work and also juggle some of the traditional roles of being a good wife and a mom.

These changes are also true when it comes to sexuality. Today’s woman is as ‘sexually liberated’ as the man. She is no longer expected to be coy and shy, but instead to be assertive, sexy and intelligent. She needs to look like Rihanna, dance like Beyonce and be as smart as Olivia Pope! It is not strange today to hear about married women having affairs – something that was traditionally a male preserve. Older women looking for younger men even advertise on Facebook. Self proclaimed sexologists and sex therapists are honoured guests at bridal showers where they speak explicitly and even demonstrate what sex is meant to look like. Today’s woman can use sex toys to meet her sexual needs without needing a man. At work, she’s taught to ‘flaunt what she’s got’ – in other words to use her feminine assets – her beauty, her smile, her giggles, her dressing and so on – to get the job done; whether it’s a client to sign a contract, a boss to sign a leave form or an accountant to sign an LPO.

Clearly, it’s not just men who have issues with sex! The bible has a lot of stories of beautiful women who used their feminine wiles to get what they wanted. From Mrs P (Potiphar’s wife), the world’s first cougar to Delilah, the original gold-digger who betrayed her bodybuilder boyfriend… From Tamar who dressed as a call girl to seduce her father in law to Jezebel, the cold hearted queen, who manipulated her husband whenever she wanted something. And of course there’s Rachel who traded in a night in bed with her husband to her own sister because she wanted some of her love potion (aka mandrakes). I know you know all these stories! But do you takes the prize for being the most beautiful seductress in the bible?

I like to call her Samantha. Samantha (or Sam to those who knew her well) must have been stunningly beautiful. If today its not easy today for a divorced woman to find a suitable husband who wants to marry her – and it would have been a lot more difficult in biblical days. But Sam had gone through not two but five husbands and was currently in a come-we-stay relationship with a sixth guy. You know who I’m talking about – she’s aka – the Samaritan woman! She must have been quite a beauty! However, like you would expect, the respectable women of the city didn’t like her one bit. I suspect they despised and ostracized her as a man stealer; a woman of loose morals. And perhaps that’s why she preferred to visit the well during the heat of the noonday sun, when there would be no gossipers, idlers or busybodies talking behind her back!

So anyway, our story begins when Jesus, tired from his journey through Samaritan country, sat down next to a well. Let’s see what happens next. Please turn to John 4:7-18READ v.7-14

The Samaritan woman (or if you’ll allow me, let’s call her Sam) came to the well because was thirsty. What she didn’t realize is that her physical thirst concealed a deeper thirst: One that went beneath the surface. We learnt in week one that we were created for rule and relationship. And that as a result of our rebellion, women long desperately for the perfect relationship they were created for. Jesus by talking about living water, wanted to expose her real thirst, but Sam thought he was talking about her physical thirst. So he got straight to the point…

READ v.15-18

Jesus’ words cut right through her defences, and revealed the thirst that she hidden so well, and the inadequate way she had tried to quench it. Her sexual history was a mess. She had been married 5 times. Perhaps she had sworn off men after the disappointment of her first marriage, but she found herself doing the very thing she’d said she’d never do … again and again. She was living with yet another a man. And she was still thirsty.

Like every woman since Eve, this beautiful woman longed for the perfect relationship. She thought that if she just found the right man, her thirst would be quenched. But the more she tried to meet her need for love through a relationship, the more she had ended up even more lonely and isolated. The more she pushed and fought for what she wanted, the less she had of it. In a way, Sam represents all of us, but especially the women. Many women today have bought the lie of the devil that they can meet their deep felt needs for relationships how they want when they want. And the result is ultimately heartbreak and emptiness.

So our million dollar question; in our highly permissive culture, how can women win the war against sexual and emotional temptation? Remember, the war against sexual temptation is a defensive one. Against the devil, play offence; against sexual temptation, play defence! I want to share with you three defensive barriers that will help women (and perhaps some of the men) win the war against sexual temptation. Barrier #1 is…

YOUR HEART – While a man is primarily aroused by what he sees with his eyes, a woman is more aroused by what she hears and feels. A woman’s strongest point of vulnerability is her emotions. Women can easily connect emotionally with men who they like or admire. It may be a gym instructor, a lecturer, a former boyfriend or a colleague at work. It could be character on TV or even a friend of your husbands if you’re married. Even though you might not be having sex with the person, your heart shifts allegiance to him, and you give yourself to him emotionally. This is called an emotional soul tie or emotional affair.

At first glance, it seems pretty innocent! After all, it’s not like you’re having sex with the person! And yet, the truth is that emotional soul ties with someone who is not your husband can have the same effect on women as porn or sexual affairs have on men. When you have that emotional connection, you will find it difficult to bond with your husband (present or future) without comparing him to the objects of your imagination. And just like with porn, it’s impossible for a real person to compete with a fantasy. You only see the good side of the objects of your fantasy but when it’s a real man, you have to deal with both the good and the bad!

If you’re a single woman, be warned! Emotional soul ties mean you will find it extremely difficult ever bond emotionally with a husband and they’ll also harm your relationship with God. If you’re a married woman, be warned! An emotional affair will poison your marriage and cause dissatisfaction with your husband! Many Christian women today are disappointed and frustrated in their marriages because they are constantly comparing their husbands with someone (real or imagined) with whom they are in an emotional affair. Most women who have ended up in a sexual affair often began not with a wandering eye but with a wandering heart.

Proverbs 4:23 says ‘Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life’. Women long to love and be loved. Every woman longs to give her heart fully to someone who will treasure her. But God tells us to guard our hearts above all else – above our lives, faith, marriage, money, dreams or whatever else we hold dear! Why? Because the heart is the ‘wellspring’ of life. Wellspring means ‘source’: The core of who you are. When you give that up to every man that walks by, you are throwing your best away.

Ladies can sometimes be naive – you open up your heart to this man and share your deep struggles because ‘he’s my best friend; he’s so understanding’! And then – bam! Before you know it, you have a heart connection that’s extremely difficult to cut! It could be to a married man or to a single man whom you know is completely wrong for you but you know what they say – ‘the heart is not so smart!’ How many single ladies do you know who are in a toxic relationship and yet they can’t leave! ‘Pastor I can’t believe he’s so mean to me! He even slapped me!’ ‘So leave him!’ ‘I can’t… I love him!’

So ladies, please, guard your hearts! It doesn’t matter how nice, harmless, friendly or brotherly he is, he is not your girlfriend! Don’t treat him like one of your girlfriends because he’s a man! NOT A MUSCULAR GIRL! We said men need to make a covenant with their eyes not to get close to anyone (real or imagined) who fulfils their sexual desires apart from their wife. Well, women need to make a covenant with the eyes of their heart not to get close to anyone (real or imagined) to fulfil their emotional needs apart from their husband. Against the devil, play offence; against sexual temptation, play defence! The 2nddefensive barrier as a lady you need to put up around yourself is around…

YOUR MIND – Like we saw last week, the human mind is a powerful supercomputer that retains whatever is uploaded into it. Just like for men, women’s minds play a powerful role in their sexual response. In fact it’s been said a woman’s primary sex organ is her mind. The difference is that while a man may be tempted to get physically stimulated through pornography, a woman is more likely to want to get emotionally stimulated by reading a romance novel or admiring a famous actor or musician.

Now men or women, matter how well we try to prevent tempting thoughts from entering the gate of our minds, some will still slip through. The day you stop experiencing temptations is the day you die! Romans 7:21-23 talks about the struggle between good and evil that we all face… ‘So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.’ This is a battle every one of us will face!

When good and bad battle within you, do you know which one will ultimately win? I can actually predict the answer for each person here. Can I tell you which side will win? It’s the side you feed the most! Garbage in, garbage out! When you put garbage into your brain, it rots the stench goes into your whole life. When you put in romance novels, soap operas, rubbish reality TV shows (like the bachelorette) etc, you feed the flesh. And you awaken emotional desires that should only be fulfilled in your marriage.

That’s why in the one book in the bible dedicated to sex and romance (SOS), the leading lady gives this advice, not once but three times, in Song Of Songs 2:7, 3:5 and 8:3…  ‘Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right’. I believe the Father is saying the same words today; ‘Daughters of Mavuno, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right!’ IOW, until the object of that love is your husband or husband to be! Against the devil, play offence; against sexual temptation, play defence! So put a barrier around your heart and your mind. The 3rd barrier you need to erect is around…

YOUR BODY – We teach people how to treat us. We either teach them how to treat us with respect or teach them to treat us with disrespect! The biggest way we do this is through how we dress. You see your actions speak louder than your words. If you dress like a cute little plaything and present yourself as a toy, then boys will be boys and try to play with that toy! Even if not physically, then with their eyes and lust. I know, the fashion statement today is that you need to dress sexy to feel good about yourself. But the way you present yourself sends a nonverbal but clear message to the men around you about how you want to be treated.

Or maybe let me phrase this differently – say you know your best friend is dieting to lose some weight before her wedding. If she doesn’t her dress will be too tight and she will feel uncomfortable on her big day. So what do you do – of course you encourage her! But what if you’re a gourmet chef, and you like the affirmation people give you when they taste your food? So despite her issues, you visit her every day with your latest creation of pound cake and fudge and coconut cream pie and tell her ‘o come on, have a bite!’ Are you acting lovingly or selfishly towards your friend? Of course selfishly! It’s all about you!

So the reality is that men are visually stimulated at the sight of a woman’s scantily clad body. You are also aware that godly men are desperately trying to honour their wives by not allowing their eyes to stray. In light of this, if you insist on putting on that Lupita dress that goes all the way to your navel, are you acting lovingly or selfishly? Lord help me, I’ve had many conversations with ladies while looking desperately to the side!

You see, the issue is not about what you can or cannot do, or what you can get away with. The answer is really about loving your neighbour as yourself. 1 Corinthians 10:23-24 ‘Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good but the good of others.’

We need to focus not on what is allowed but on what is best for all involved. Apart from how you dress it, please also guard your body physically around men. Save your Velcro hugs for girlfriends and immediate family members! When it’s a man and you’re good friends, give them a ‘guy hug’.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT! Last week, I heard some ladies saying there’s no way men can be that sexual! Trust me daughters, men are not like you –THEY’RE NOT GIRLS WITH MUSCLES! As for the men of Mavuno – please stop messing with women’s emotions. I’ve heard different ladies here saying ‘at least with an unsaved man, I know he’s a wolf, but the big problem is that there are wolves in sheep’s clothing right here in the church!’ [To be fair – some may not be intending to be wolves… some of you are just trying to be kind and considerate; a gentleman. You’re buying her lunch and discussing how she feels. But you’re creating emotional bonds with a woman that you have no intention of entering a relationship with. And you don’t get it that women’s hearts are just as vulnerable as your eyes. Brothers, let’s become our sister’s keepers!

So, for single women – how do you guard your heart and yet not close off the right guys? ‘How do you know if he’s really interested or he’s just being kind?’ Here’s a tip: It’s called DTR or ‘Define the Relationship’! If you’ve gone out twice with a guy or if you feel he’s beginning to cross the line and send mixed messages, two things: First of all share it with others who know you and secondly, call for a DTR! Ask him, ‘What did you mean by that?’ Let him know not to play with your emotions! If you cannot discipline your emotions, you will never rule over God’s creation as you were meant to

Remember Sam? In her broken relationships, she was like a little girl trapped in a woman’s body. In her attempts to fill the father-shaped hole in her heart, she was trying to establish a sense of self worth through her dysfunctional relationships. It’s almost like she was saying ‘See Dad? Someone does love me! I am worthy of attention and affection!’

Unknown to her, her heavenly Father had created her with an amazing destiny. Her purpose was to introduce her whole town to God, including her five ex husbands and the gossiping desperate housewives of Sychar. That’s how the story ends! When she met Jesus, she stopped being defined by men and became a woman of purpose. You too were created as a daughter of the living God – as a beautiful woman of purpose. When you know your father’s unconditional love and acceptance, you wont throw your heart at anyone who demeans the value your Father bestowed to you.

Imagine a generation of confidently feminine women who make a difference in their generation.

Imagine women who don’t use mento meet their emotional cravings or their needs for security because they know their Father loves them unconditionally

Imagine women who are not waiting for men to complete them but are so focused on loving God and following His purpose, that men of purpose are attracted to them

Imagine a generation of stylish women who don’t dress to seek male attention and yet who represent God’s sense of beauty to the world through their dress and character

Imagine women who are so different that when people spend just a few minutes with them they ask, ‘are you from Mavuno Church?’

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16 Responses to “Finders Keepers II – Devious Maids (Real Women)”

  1. Pr. Carol, thank you so much for your sincerity and ‘soul’ as you prayed for the ladies after the sermon yesterday. Bless you!

    Pr. M, many thanks for the Dad’s prayer over the daughters of Mavuno which was just completely heart-warming and overwhelming.

    What Pr. Carol said is true, women seem to be on a revenge-mode that only serves to perpetuate the downward spiraling of morality. May God just forgive us and heal our land … We have generations coming after us to think about because unfortunately these things do not stop with us. I will never forget Pr. M’s sermon on David and despite how great a King he was, his children continued to pay (consequences) for the sin(s) he committed in his time. FORGIVE US LORD …

    Mavuno is just simply GREAT! Thank you so much for keeping it so real and so relevant only all the time. Bless you all!!!

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  2. A former devious maid Says:

    ‘When you know your Father’s unconditional love and acceptance, you won’t throw your heart at anyone who demeans the value your Father has bestowed on you.’

    Amen, Amen and Amen! Thank you, Pastor M.

    In the past, I allowed not just others to demean the value God has bestowed on me, I, myself, demeaned the value God has bestowed on me.

    When you feel worthless and useless, you will always make bad relationship decisions.

    Through spending time with God, I am learning what value He places on my life. He has protected me even when I was at my most rebellious, taunting Him to do His worst. He knew, because He knows everything, that I was acting out of ignorance and pain. Just like the Samaritan Woman. I thank God for His mercy and grace.

    I still stumble and fall sometimes. But I know now that I am not worthless or useless. I know because My Father God says so.

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  3. Pastor M, you really spoke to me. I am married & with so many challenges. From time to time i have developed soul ties with male friends without realising the danger. In fact upto this wknd I couldn’t stop thinking about a close male friend. I’m wiser now and am guarding my heart, although i must say with constant hurt in marriage it is really hard.

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    • Pastor M Says:

      Thanks for sharing! May God give you much grace as you guard your heart. Praying that you and your hubby will soon be able to do Ndoa together. God can turn even your marriage around to be a blessing to many!

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  4. How do I get hold of the DVDs for the sermon series?

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    • Pastor M Says:

      Hi Rosemary, You can purchase one right after any of our Sunday services (9am or noon). God bless!

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  5. wow… that is just so me! thank pastor M i really needed to hear that. ! THIS HIT HOME FOR ME!”’Imagine women who are not waiting for men to complete them but are so focused on loving God and following His purpose, that men of purpose are attracted to them”

    I have been living a life of heart break after the other …wondering whats wrong with me… trying to afffirm myself like ‘sam’ that i can still get into another relationship and make it..then it ends abruptly! and i keep wondering whats wrong with me… am loyal,i do everything right according to me,,, then hello!i come across this and realize my purpose is bigger than me defined by relationships…i should be striving to get myself closer to God rather than trying desperately to get married like my peers… i was created for a different purpose..i needed to hear this… thank you.

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    • Pastor M Says:

      Irene, may this be the beginning of the rest of your life. A fresh start, pursuing the big Purpose God created you for. May you be a complete woman in your Father’s love!

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  6. I’m blessed to have been in church this past Sunday, Thank you Pastor M for proclaiming blessings of a father upon all the ladies in church that day. i felt like Dad had was actually blessing me. Fell tears roll down my cheek because it was just unbelievable someone cares for me enough to put me in God’s hands as he would his own daughter.

    thank you and may God bless you

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    • Pastor M Says:

      @RA, you are His princess, a person of great worth, highly loved and valued by the King of the universe! May that truth and reality never leave your life. God bless!

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  7. No More Mr Nice Guy? Says:

    My experience of that sermon, was one of depression and anger.

    What, no more hugging? You see, I am heart kind of guy. I connect at an emotional level and I am a good listener. And I care about the several women in my life. And I don’t have sex with any of them. I stopped having sex, period. Until I ‘settle down. Surely, when did this become such a bad thing?

    I was ok with the sermon to the men during the previous week. I have undertaken quite a few male empowerment and transformation programmes in this city including Simama and Man Enough. I am a sorted Mr Nice Guy. And I was eager to listen to listen to this one to the women.
    Until you messed with the party Pst M.

    Wah wasn’t I angry and depressed? This was NOT meant to be about me. A guy. Last I checked, there was a huge difference between me, a guy and them, devious and/or real maids.

    I also let my LG know immediately. And yes, one of my good hugging pals and we just couldn’t hug the way we normally do because we were still on church grounds. More like Pastor M’s grounds at this point.

    I resolved to stay with the pain and made a commitment to see this to its logical conclusion. Of course it wasn’t pretty or comfortable. The questions and doubts were freely and viciously flowing. Resistance to change was at its highest level.

    The main question was who would I be if I was no longer Mr Nice Guy? Tuuruuruu!

    I presented this huuuuuggggeee dilemma to Jesus. With questions such as, since when did emotional connection become the same as dogging? Wasn’t I providing an essential service to the women, and some men, in my life? A keen listening ear. An enlightened experienced soul. An empowered perspective to a working life. Fearless and creative insights that work for her or with her or her or her or her or her. I am then free to do coffee with her, a movie with her, a long phone chat with her, a flirtatious Facebook chat with her and be the run to guy when she has a fight with her BF because she is sure I will not mess with her and she can go back to him knowing that he is just being a guy.

    Surely Jesus, how could this be a bad thing? Is Pastor M taking things a little too far and life a little too seriously?

    Then I saw it. I saw why I had gotten comfortable in not committing to one person. That what I am being called to be is A Good Man. Not a Mr Nice Guy. Distinct Difference. And I need Jesus for that transformation to happen.

    The resistance still persists. The prospect of no more ‘velcro hugs’ still gets me to smh occasionally, no, frequently. Lakini, there’s hope because now I see how damaging, and limiting, that lifestyle has been.

    I pray that the rest of the sermon series will be a revelation of what to do next.
    Pst M you are not leaving me with this mess you have generated.

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    • Pastor M Says:

      Mr Good Man, thanks for keeping it real! My mentor once challenged me after observing some ‘nice guy’ behavior to make the decision once and for all if I wanted to chase women or to lead men and women. It surely saved my life!

      From one former nice guy to another, my God give you much grace through this transformation to be the man He created you to be, and may your story be a blessing to many (including your wife and children) in years to come.

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    • thekenyaninme Says:

      I like your honest Mr Good Man!

      This sermon was just powerful. As a lady I also struggled with some of the hard hitting truth. I particularly struggled with the idea of that guys are affected by my dressing and the hugging thing. Not because I particularly dress to kill but I value freedom and believe that its for freedom we are saved. And my initial view was si men just man up, why should how I dress or hug affect you guys? But God has been convicting me on this. If I want guys to be careful not to emotionally tag me along, then I should be my brother’s keepers too in my dressing, hugs etc.

      So I am sure God will speak to you too. I like what Pstr M has written below, that his mentor asked him if he wanted to be a nice guy or lead men and women. I pray you choose the later!

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  8. AWESOME!!! SERMON…i have been asked constantly why i am single for the longest time…now i know…i know my worth. i am so happy i read this sermon.

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  9. thekenyaninme Says:

    Reblogged this on thekenyaninme and commented:
    This sermon has blessed me throughout this week….have a read and I pray it blesses you too,

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  10. Thank you you for the enlightening sermon Pastor M. Every little girl holds in her heart the most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to be the beauty of the story. You’ll find that every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That’s what makes a woman come alive.That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure-that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tag-a-long. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you’ll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place. Those desires are far more than child’s play. They are the secret to the feminine heart. As women, our heart’s matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires we had as a little girls and the longings we still feel as a women are telling us of the life God created for us to live. God offers to come now as the Hero of our story, to rescue our heart and release us to live as fully alive and feminine women.

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