Different Strokes -Take Away

What is the right counsel regarding sex, in a sex-crazed culture?


Hardly a day goes by before we can get advice from one newspaper or other, one magazine or other on how to improve our sex lives with your partner. The question is usually the amount of pleasure you can get for yourself; the question is hardly ever – is this the right person you should be having sex with. Sex is a good thing. It is a very good thing. It is a gift from God. It however is made to be in the context of a marriage between a man and his wife. Sex with anyone outside of marriage is not consistent with God’s plan. 

We all get introduced to the topic of sex differently. For some people it starts very dramatically. You are introduced to sexual intercourse at an early age. Majority of people seem to be introduced somewhere between 15 and 18 years of age. They are often socialized by older people. A higher proportion of boys tend to be inducted earlier. Once the cycle starts it continues into young adulthood, and often doesn’t stop even when people are married.  Some people start relationships with the intention of ending up in bed. But for many others it isn’t so dramatic.

Whatever the starting point is we slowly, step by step, we move and somewhere we cross a line. But the steps were so small and we were able to rationalize each one of them that we are not even really sure when or where we crossed the line. This week someone told me “Pst Njoro does sex outside marriage really matter especially in our world today? Because to me this is an outdated, it doesn’t matter anymore”

Our Sermon text is Proverbs 5

There are words of wisdom in Proverbs 5 which are very instructive in the way we handle the topic of sex outside the marriage relationship. God has given the gift of sex, and it is a good gift. How should we handle it?

Escape Consequences of Bad Sex

Bad sex is any sex that is outside of the template that God has given us. Bad sex can be pleasurable, memorable, even recommended – but it has repercussions. Solomon is simply asking us to make a choice to run away from bad sex. He says  Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, But why is he so vehement about fleeing from this kind of lifestyle. Bad sex has repercussions;

On our strengths 9 says, “Lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel.” Sex outside marriage eats away your strength and beauty that God has given us. It is so sad when I see a beautiful lady and after sometimes the beauty and glory that was there is gone. For the married people its tiring maintaining an affair. That is probably why many people are taking lots of supplements because they are tired due to the lifestyles they living in.

Your wealth. Proverbs 5:10 says, “Lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man’s house.”  Sex outside marriage is expensive. It can cost you your marriage, plus legal fees. Look at how much people are spending to sustain affairs…Millions and Millions are wasted in the name of pleasure. If a young man foolishly visits a prostitute, the price is very high for mere seconds of pleasure. She gives no discount for guilt, a grieved conscience. His hard-earned money is split between a woman who does not care about him. Sometimes you must give gifts to sustain some of this sexual relationship. We choose the party scene of clubs and bars, where we must maintain a successful image or lose popularity and draw. Expensive cars, clothes, accessories, housing, entertainment, and lifestyle – all for merely an appearance of prosperity and power to seduce women and men that will eventually put us in the poor house.

Your health. Proverbs 5:11 says, “At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent.” In the sex education classes at school they teach our kids three letters—STD, sexually transmitted disease. Way before the doctors discovered that, the Bible told us 3000 years ago that people who have sex outside marriage are open to the risk of venereal disease, syphilis, hepatitis, a hundred other diseases, and worst of all, HIV AIDS. We are seeing all of it in our society around us. Solomon warned us about it. He said if you go down that path and follow that road, this will be how you end up. I know people who are suffering mentally from depression and have never recovered from the violent effects of divorce. Many at times their spouses and their children suffer from the same. Your conscience can eat away at your peace of mind Remember Our Choices determine our destiny!

Your reputation. Proverbs 5:14 says, “I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly.” You will try to keep it quiet, you will do those telephone calls late at night, WhatsApp back and forth, go for sexual escapades in secret in the name of “seminars and conferences” but be sure that your sin will one day find you out. Ladies, picture going to your mom and dad and say ‘here is what I did, I am pregnant.’ Fast forward and visualize the reality of what your decision means.

Fenceless Relationships – Don’t flirt with it, don’t get close, don’t pretend like it is okay, and don’t be in a 50-50 space. Be the prude, Goody-two shoes, Holy Joe on this. Here is the problem, too many of us, we believe the line of sin is way over here with physical adultery. An emotional affair is as dangerous and destructive as physical adultery. The problem is, for God, the line of sin is not way over here with physical adultery, but it is way back over here and it starts right here in your thoughts. Matthew 5:28: ‘But I tell you, anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.’

Valueless conversations – avoid flirting, coarse joking. Only engage in talk, write emails, FB posts or WhatsApp’s that your current or future wife can read.

Mindless entertainment – find good books to read, switch off the radio, read the Bible, write poetry, select wholesome music.

The author of Proverbs 5 uses the metaphor of water to describe our own sexuality. He encourages his son to stay within the sexual boundaries of marriage. Sex within God’s plan is good sex. It may not be satisfying for the moment, it may need to grow, it may need work on both sides, it may vary in its quantity or perceived quality – but it is good sex.

The marriage bed is often likened to a well or a cistern in his yard, that place where he finds water to refresh his soul and strengthen his body. This reflects a profoundly positive attitude toward our sexuality. Here we find God’s blessing on human sexuality. God is not against human sexuality. He’s the one who created it, he’s the one who thought of it, he’s the one who wired us as sexual beings, as men and women. Yet v. 18 also gives us the context for this blessing: marriage. Rejoice in your wife or your husband. The Bible never talks about sex without also thinking about marriage. God’s creation intention in Genesis chapters 1 and 2 are always in the backdrop of the Bible’s discussion of human sexuality. You see, God’s creation of the first man and the first woman provides the context for human sexuality.

Good sex is your Gift: It belongs to you. It is unique to, and prepared for you. It is a personal gift that distinguishes your marriage, and cannot be enjoyed outside it. Most of the other things can be shared or enjoyed by others. But the sexual relationship is very personal and unique to each couple. In many things it is a blessing to share with others – sex one thing you cannot share because it is for you to enjoy.

Good sex is your Blessing from God: Good sex has been prepared for you to be a blessing. 18 May your fountain be blessed? God wants to bless you. He has reserved that blessing for you.  Your Pleasure: Good sex is for you to enjoy. Everything about sexual relations should be for you to enjoy. I believe that God is so serious about this enjoyment that He even uses somewhat explicit, or vivid language to explain it.  God wants these benefits for you. So how do I reap these benefits? Get committed. If you are having sex with someone who is not your spouse, then either get out of it now, or make a commitment to them. If you are single make a commitment to have good sex – by choosing to abstain till that person comes. Get transparent. You have to open up and share your feelings and your heart. For men this is not natural and you have to intentionally go there and make that conversation time. It is amazing the intimacy that we have when we do it. Get alone. Lock the kids up and put them somewhere safe! They will survive an hour without you and it is amazing. Date like you used to do. You were I love because you dated, you were alone, you had that time.

Get help. If you are in trouble, you need to seek help. Many couples have resorted to having an affair instead of asking for help. Our Marriage classes NDOA are designed to help couples resolve their issues together with other strugglers. We only have 10 spaces left for any couple that would be interested. Get spiritual. Pray and read God’s Word together with your spouse, and with an accountability group. Amazing conversations have happened as we have allowed God to be part of our marriage. God wants us to bring sex and our sexuality before Christ. That is the only place where we will find the strength to do what these words are asking us.  Escape the consequences of bad sex: escape fenceless relationships, valueless conversations and mindless entertainment.  Reap the benefits of good sex: get committed, be transparent, get alone time, get help, get spiritual.

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One Response to “Different Strokes -Take Away”

  1. Beloved of God Says:

    Hi Mr. Kiama;

    May God bless you for tackling a delicate subject without flinching from God’s clearly laid out rules in the bible. I have grown up in the church and learned some of the truths that you taught as a teen in church. However, I appreciate the reminder that God has opinions about the world that He created, even as we, his creation, have our own opinions.

    The question for me and perhaps for all of us is …… why do we give our own opinions and our society’s opinion so much more airtime than we do God’s opinion? He created sex and is therefore the expert on it. His opinion should matter most! Not mine and certainly not our popular talk radio hosts, severally of whom I know and like on personal level, by the way. Honestly, we are such an opinionated mess. Without His grace, we are, literally, dead meat.

    I want to do God’s will where sex is concerned because He knows better than me about His creatures and His creation. Knowing me, and us as human beings, I probably will not get it all right. But I will begin with the willingness to consider God’s perspective. The bible says that the world’s way leads to death. I want to live. Long enough to get married and have good sex:)

    Thank you

    p.s. very impressed that you know R Kelly lyrics!!!


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