Wounds Of A Dad
Most of us do not have good memories about our dads. About 70% of the people did not have what they would call great dads. In fact, by and large we are a fatherless generation. Or an under-fathered one at best. How do you remember your dad? What did you miss? What are the phrases or words that describe your relationship with dad? Why do we need to look back?
What happened then may still be affecting us today You understand yourself and current attitudes by investigating your past. Unhealed father wounds affect your walk with God. Two, time or ignorance never will heal a wound. One has to face it, clean it up and treat it.
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When a father doesn’t do his job; or does it poorly, everyone suffers. Wounds abound, and the reactions vary. Dads who wound us;
- Absent Dads – Absent dads leave behind kids starved for love, affirmation and instruction. When you have an absent father, you grow up with a social, emotional and psychological deficit. Many people would say: “I never knew my dad!“. A dad who though present, never affirmed or showed affection to his kids… They spend a lifetime looking for that. “I wish dad said it – that he loved me.” Dads who run away [especially for other women] cause pain and bitterness to the children. The kids suffer rejection and abandonment, which leads to self-hate or an obsession to achieve.
- Passive Dads – Passive dads are dads who are present but uninvolved. Such dads will not discipline their kids, or show interest in their activities or school. Most kids interpret this to mean that they are not good enough for their dads or that they are a bother to him. Some kids react by being aggressive or going for addictions/obsessive behavior in an attempt to get dad to notice. Yet others become like dad – passive men and women who lack initiative and drive. Some come out with blame and regret… “Dad, I wish you had done something; things would be different!” Biblical examples of passive dads include Eli the priest and Ahab.
- Abusive Dads
- Physical Abuse – A violent dad will cause kids to grow up in fear and insecurity [no self-confidence, fearful or they become violent /aggressive] Daughters from such homes will struggle to trust men, fear them or will be attracted to passive, docile or phlegmatic men.
- Emotional Abuse – A dad who uses abusive words or emotional manipulation will cause low-self esteem in children, crush their drive and raise bitter kids. Most kids from such homes will find it hard to emotionally connect with others.
- Sexual Abuse – A dad who sexually molests his kids will make them sexually confused, angry or abusive [some turn to homosexuality, some to casual sex, addictive behavior like drugs and porn and others to crime]
When the strong man who is supposed to use his strength to protect you uses it against you; it hurts deep. The abuse victim often grows up to be an abuser.
- Controlling /Perfectionist Dad – A controlling father wants everything to be done his way. He is manipulative. He will force you into some career or marriage that you live to resent. Controlling dads live out their dreams and fears through you. Some withhold affection or approval to demand their way. Some had a dad who was impossible to please… a perfectionist. For everything you do till now, you hear the harsh voice of your dad telling you: ‘Not good enough.’
- Dads Behaving Badly – Some saw our dads cheat on or emotionally abuse mum. Others had alcoholic dads who made fools of themselves. Someone I know had a dad who grabbed the land of some orphans and that wounded him very deeply. Neglect – some dads neglect their responsibilities of being providers, protectors and priests, wounding their offspring. David and Noah are biblical examples of dads behaving badly.
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Many of us are wounding our children/spouses/friends today because of what we saw from or experienced with our fathers. The cycle continues – a wounded man/woman will end up wounding others and wounding self. What father wound do you carry today?
Malachi 4:1- 61
Surely the day is coming; it will burn like a furnace. All the arrogant and every evildoer will be stubble, and that day that is coming will set them on fire, says the LORD Almighty. Not a root or a branch will be left to them. 2 But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. 3 Then you will trample down the wicked; they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day when I do these things, says the LORD Almighty. 4 Remember the law of my servant Moses, the decrees and laws I gave him at Horeb for all Israel.
This is the last chapter of the last book of the O.T. God is about to go silent for 400 years. The last thing he talks about is fathers and their children. He promises healing and reconciliation. He says this is the key to the blessing of the nation. And if it does not happen, the nation will be under a curse. 400 years later, unto Israel a son is given. John the Baptist came to turn the hearts of the children to their fathers and fathers to their children
Luke 1:17
And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to wisdom of the righteous – to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.
This is what prepares a way for the Lord. Then Jesus was born, and he introduced us to the father. He later went to the cross to facilitate reconciliation with our heavenly Dad.
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Peace with dad brings blessings.
How do we make peace?
- Forgive – Once forgiveness is extended, begin to act in accordance with it. Correct decisions you had made out of anger. Reverse vows made never to do certain things. And plan to honor your dad. If he is not present, honor anyone who represents him like his wife or uncle.
- Pass the case on to God – Choose to believe in God’s justice. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. Romans 12: 18, 19
- Seek reconciliation (Where possible) – Plan to visit with him, call, or write a letter. It might be instant or a process. May be received well, or not. Do your part. Pray about it continually and persist. Seek counsel where complicated.
What is the load you have been carrying? It is time to release it. Your future is pegged on it. It determines what you feel about yourself. Walk to freedom. Mathew 11:28 invites us to rest: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me.” Healing this wound will set you free and from passing down the wound to the next generation. Let go, and let God.
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Blog.Mavuno 
October 17, 2010 at 3:18 pm
The sermon was on point 4 me. I thought i had my own r/ship with my dad, on track, having been a dadys girl to-date! But Ooops! I have just realized that i’ve been hurting! I now clearly understand where i derived my character from, and why am the way i am! Its not natural, but i have acquired it due to circumstance! Oh No! Planning to reconnect. in-fact am visiting my dad this Kenyattta day to that effect. Am healed and Ready to take each step at time. Its my daily prayer that dad will change for the better, and my siblings will enjoy his presence with more affection than i me. Thanx
May god bless you PST S
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October 17, 2010 at 4:27 pm
My top memory of my dad is, seeing his smile for the first when i was 12. The other unforgotable memory is him telling me to go and never come back because he was remarrying. 4 yrs later when he came to our door, i was holding my first baby. i hoped he would inquire about it. he did not. 2years later i had another baby with same man. my kids have grown up without a male figure in their lives hence bitterness in my life. i have forgiven these 2 men who were the negative side of my life. My father in heaven has healed me and he will restore my life.
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October 17, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Pastor S, your sermon today was like a knife cutting through flesh. Am one of the ladies that have refused the father for my child to see his daughter. I do know that i have to forgive but its really hard.
I have leaved with bitterness and anger for 3 and a half year (that’s how long my daughter;s being around- (i thanks and praise God for her). Its being 5 year from when we were diagnosed to be +ve, i found out first, we were leaving in different towns, i called the man asked him to come over, gave him the news, the next day we went to the clinic and he too tested +ve. later that day, we sat done and discussed our situation and decided that we will go back home speak to our parents about marriage, and pledged to be there for each other. But that was not to be, the man never seem to change his way. couple of year later i was with child, long story short, he decided he cant commit to being faithful. he spent most of his time out there “working”……. I ended up paying the hosipiital bill(CS) myself, he has contributed once for the upkeep for his daughter, once. She is three and 6 months.
How am i to let this man see or spend time with my precious child. How can i forgive……..knowing he cant be trusted, he’s not responsible and knowing what he is doing out there …… I have sworn never to fall in love again, i don’t have any friend and cant stand the male species, i just accommodate them coz i cant avoid them. I have also sworn that he will not see his daughter unless he fully takes responsibility for her, at the back of my mind i know that will not happen, but after your sermon today, my heart was very very heavy coz all i could think of is, what future am i laying for my daughter. What foundation am i laying for her.
Its really hard but am hoping and trusting that God will come through for me. I know i cant change my situation. I know am blessed and highly favored, just being here is a blessing and i ask for your prayers for healing so that i can stop destroying my daughter’s future. i don’t want her to grow up looking for love in the wrong places, or worse hating all male species. Please pray for me….
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October 18, 2010 at 5:07 am
Pastor S,
Sometimes I feel jealous when I see my friends walking or talking with their dads..jealous because I did not experience what it was like having a daddy figure in my life. Perhaps the memory that comes to my mind when I think of daddy is that he was ‘nameless’ since I didn’t get to know/meet him and didn’t even get to see how he looked like. My daddy didn’t even know me by name! I grew up dissapointed. Majority of the people around me had their dad’s name written on their birth certificates yet in my certificate in read xxxx as if I wasn’t a by product of a mummy and a daddy! I know that daddy had to be there to have a voice of authority over my life, to name me, to nurture me and to bless me..yet he wasn’t there. I am now 25 years. Growing up, I begun to have a hard hurt towards men because I thought that all of them were going to be like my daddy.
But then.. God begun reveal himself to me that He is the father to the fatherless..that He wants to embrace me and love me just the way I am.. that He calls me by name..that He wants to nurture and bless me..He is my Heavenly Father.
I am now at a point in my life where God is cleaning up my father wounds, giving me a sense of belonging and a forgiving heart towards my earthly father..God is setting me free and He keeps telling me that I am beautiful and tender in His sight. To all women who are father wound, “God blesses your beauty… He blesses your holiness.. He bless your tenderness”
Amen
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October 18, 2010 at 7:57 am
Pastor S,jana sermon was the most touching especially at the end of the sermon when you took the dads space and apologized on their behalf I was so touched.
My beef is not with my dad coz he died when i was 6 and i did not get a father figure since my uncles were busy fighting for property but mum was gr8 and she fought the battle and won and our life standard of a middle class life did not change at all 20 years down the line.
My beef is with my brother who i hate with all my heart and i dont know what i will do beacause am unable to forgive him.The problem is as a result of jealous,I have a well paying job getting about 200k n he gets lyk 50k and for this he is always on my case n even physically beating me and always throwing his tentrams on me.
Am a beleiver and for about 1 year i have never spoken to him we jst pass each other like strangers yet we stay in the same house,infact when i see him i see an animal and this has greatly affected my thoughts about men who are about or 2/3 yras older than me coz i see like they are like him.
Why should a man lay a hand/finger and hit a woman?I thot as a brother we should b celebrating success together whether he is older or not and am getting more or less than him.
What can i do to forgive him since even jana i couldnt beacause he has really hurt me to the deepest of my heart.
PAstor S,besides talking on project DAD could you please highlight something on real brothers who are abusive and jealous.
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November 12, 2010 at 9:42 am
Forgive your brother.Try and look for positive people to inspire him overcome is battered self esteem.Your brother needs urgent help but i would ask you Wairimu to change your attitude towards him,be positive,greet him,make the first move and be warmly.
Two ,if your brother goes to Church-then your work is a bit easy-talk to the pastor but if the pastor is unapproachable ,then talk to his friends to show your brother more affection.I do not mean have your brother lectured-but encouraged to join mens group,fellowship of jamaas,this will teach him how t interact with people appreciate the ladies and begin even admiring women and knowing their real value in not only the society but also in our lives as men.
Wairimu be strong and courageous ,do not view men negatively.This is the devil’s scheme to imprison you and keep you from living your life to the full.Iam married (now for 5 years) and can confirm to you that MARRIED LIFE IS FULL OF JOY ,BLISS AND RESPOSIBILITY.Read ecclessiates 4:9-12
All the best and God bless.
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November 12, 2010 at 9:46 am
@ wambui mwangi.the comment i just posted was meant to help, but i have erronously called u Wairimu instead of wambui-am sorry ,but all the best.
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October 18, 2010 at 7:59 am
Pastor S thanks so much for the sermon. it touched me in ways i cannot understand. was bought up by my step dad who was a great dad. tho’ he passed away wen i was still young, i still remember his teachings and encouragement to date. for a long time i cldnt over the fact that he had gone for good, still grieve wen i think abt how life might hav been had he continued being around.
my biological dad was a drunk and i hear he still is. my mum left him wen i was abt ten, due to violence affairs, he used to bring strange women home and all this happened wen we were all thea incl my younger siblings. i always thot that this never affected me esp since we left him wen were so young and our step dad was a great father to us, but i hav been wrong.
i saw him for the first time in over twenty years during mum’s funeral. i dodged him then, still cant get over the fact that he disowned us, never kept in touch, esp wen my step dad passed and we needed fees, he never stepped in.
During the sermon, i realized this wound is so great, i just covered it up. thanks.
Now my marriage is in a really bad place, we r separated with the father of kids, we hav been trying reconciliation for the past two months or more but some days ago we hit a snag, we just cldnt communicate with one another. i almost gave up. but ur sermon made me realise that its not abt me or him, we need to break the cycle. am promising to continue working at the marriage with God as my Strength, my Provider,My comforter and my Healer. my kids shldnt go thru life without a father figure…that happened to me and still trying to heal that wound.
Thanks Pastor S for the sermon and that u continue praying for us. May God bless abundantly u and ur family.
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October 18, 2010 at 11:33 am
@ Wairimu, that is the spirit. Pastor S makes us stop and ask ourselves whether when we blame our partners for the failure or disintegration of relationships we are in, we should not just pause, take a deep breath and ask ourselves what contribution we and our past are making towards that disintegration.
Pastor Ss series on father wounds last year was monumental in my life. I had gone through failed relationships and I kept blaming the other people for the failure. I did not even know what a father wound was! Through the sermon series and subsequent connection with our Father in heaven, am happy to report that am at a place where I know am healed and at peace. I continue seeking God’s understanding and the toxic and destructive tendencies are mostly gone, though am still a work in progress. i encourage you to keep at it, keep seeking the Lord and trust Him to heal you and your relationships. God bless you!
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October 18, 2010 at 10:44 am
Pastor Si! I think that the things you are talking about and exactly what the men and women of this nation need to hear. There so many people I know who need to hear this message! My father died a couple of years ago and his behavior put him under so many of the categories described! Passive, absent, physically violent and all. He suffered a long illness before he died and I was the only one there to care for him. But God spoke to him in those last days and he reconciled with all our family member and even got saved! I was able to release all my anger towards him and even accept the blessings he wanted to give me before he died. If God hadn’t intervened in my story, things could have been so different for me. My mother and close friends have told me time and time again just how much I have changed since he passed away…changed for the better. And I am sure that if God hadn’t intervened in my situation, I would be a horrible bitter woman now. So that’s my testimony on how our fathers truly affect our lives. I just feel the need to praise God this morning because it has suddenly become so clear to me that my heavenly father delivered me even though I had no idea that I needed to be delivered!
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October 18, 2010 at 10:58 am
Hy Pastor S, I thank God for ths series. I got 2 knw my biological dad in 2008. I was brought up by my step dad who was jst da greatest person. Tho thy separated with mum wn I was ten n she denied us to interact with him,my greatest memories r of da years spnt under his care. Infact I only got to knw he s my stp dad wn da biological one shwd up. We dnt talk much hv sn him only thrice since thn. Bt I didnt knw I was so bitter n angry till da sermon. Guess I hv bn mad at mum for witholding da infor, for denying us relationshp with da greatest dad. Bt pasi, worse off s that wn u speak of all those fathers who hv wound us all my mind cn do s put da word mum there. Cz tho she struggld to raise n she did gv us da best I believe she grew bitter with us n blamed us. She became absent emotionally n physically, emotinally abusive, pasi da names my mum has called waaaa lts nt go there yani, she s so controllin that if it aint her way thn dnt evn bother. Currently she has banishd me frm home n we dnt talk. Worse off she s a pastor, as in how..for real, her a pastor. She believes she knws it all, to outsiders she so full of love..yani she puzzles me.. Many r da things I did in rebellion, my past aint pretty, with 3 suicide attempts on record n promiscuity… Bt I blv my anger s washed off, my sins forgiven.. Got a man who s such a king n we planning a wedding. Yes I forgive mama nw, bt pasi ukweli I lyk it nw that we dnt talk am bila stress. Thnx again for being usd of da Lord. Bt do me a favor n remember that many also hurt frm da wounds of a mum.. Baraka tele kwako n familia yako.
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October 18, 2010 at 11:35 am
I have read this post and my mind is suddenly aware of my insecurity when it comes to men.My dad was the abusive dad.It all now explains why I struggle so much with letting a man into my life.
I actually vowed never to need a man,but I guess it is time to change and forgive my dad for his misdeeds and choose to allow myself to be loved by a man.
Thanks for allowing God to use you.
Bless you!!
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October 18, 2010 at 11:40 am
This was so awesome. When the series started i thought it was an awesome one for my husband. We have a daughter and a son that are really young and needed him to listen to this. Turns out the sermon was for me too. Realized i had some serious daddy issues that made me behave all strange and insecure. As a teen i was that little helpless girl who over indulged in everything possible, yes everything, hoping my dad would notice since been good never helped. He was just so absent gosh, this hurts like crazy. For all those years i was in denial and am only realizing it now, after 28 years, serious daddy issues. It has caused such insecurities in me and am always seeking for approval from my husband, hoping to be the best, not for my sake but for acknowledgment from him. I want to hear him say he loves me, n that i am the greatest and all that craziness, and it is sad really. Thanks for helping me realize this, am letting go and seeking healing
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October 18, 2010 at 11:57 am
pastor s. we thank God for you and your timely message,,,, my experience has been tough growing up with an absent father and mother filled with rejection and bitterness also who struggles with father issues from her father who is my grandfather and having to live with him. i would say that mine is double having a younger brother to raise in the midst of all this an absent father and an abusive grandfather and hurting mother. God has so helped that i haven’t messed up in life and have forgiven and let GO totally i really think that my dad missed out on me coz i am doing well and well as for my grandfather we are on good terms but hope that my mum and him would reconcile after he chased us out from his house. am planning to get married soon and i thank God for this sermon that is helping and molding me into the man God want me to be i am learning on how to receive affection from God my father so as to be a better man and overcome my struggles in life as a man
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October 18, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Wow… Pastor S, that was a sermon and a half.
I really thank God for my dad who is now deceased, he died about 13 yrs ago, when I was in college. I adored him and he was the best person in the whole world. My mum had died long before him and he stepped in and was there for us. I never suffered from homesick thanks to him, he would visit me every two weeks. (I guess it was because my mum had died the previous year) He never forgot my birthday when I was in high school. He treated us with respect and protected us. (I remember when I was in school I told my siblings I will not eat margarine fearing it would make my acne worse) Everybody laughed and he stood up and warned that no one should laugh at me. Oh that was protection!
He could slaughter Mbuzi for us every Christmas without fail. When we go home (shags) he could wait for us and then go home together. He would cook for us and in the morning he would rise up early, ensure there is warm water for showering and wake us up.
However after yesterdays preaching I realized I was so angry with my dad. Angry because he died, and denied me a chance to treat him well as he did. He had gone too soon, I could see my sisters and brothers would get jobs and get him a suit and shop for him, he would be so thrilled, I longed to do that.
Due to this I have however suffered in the dating scene, I have unconsciously looked for a man who would treat me like he did, call me by my nickname and not forget my birthdays. If they did not measure up I wd make life difficult and before he would know it, am gone. After church I wrote him a letter and told him all of the above, I cried. I did not realize it had weighed so heavily in me till then.
I now want to live freely and in the newness of having forgiven him.
Thanks Pastor Mbevi and continue to pray for us.
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October 18, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Pastor S that was a great sermon..thanks so much!! I am lucky to have a good dad who has been my pillar of support…understanding, wise and patient! But this sermon brought tears to my eyes and I couldnt stay through to the end. Why? I came to realize just how damaging a bad father-son relationship can be. I have dated guys with dad issues. We blame the guys for being wierd little do we know that a bad father-son relationship could be contributing to this. I would really like to know how as a woman you can help a guy with dad issues. Lets say ur dating a guy with dad issues…how do u handle it? U know the guy could be such an awesome guy…but coz of dad issues or dad wounds his esteem is messed up. So as a chic how do you handle it? How do you help a guy come to acept that he needs to heal from dad issues….without making him feel uncomfortable? How do you make him know that despite the past he is still a great guy and u love, admire, adore and respect him no matter what happened? Especially in the case of sexual abuse…how do you communicate to your guy that he is still your man, despite what happened to him, despite his father’s emasculation…he is still all that and a bag of chips. Somehow men think that finding out their weakness or issues diminishes them in womens eyes and they turn to be hostile. To be honest I know so many men who are wallowing in misery just coz of their dads yet these guys arent willing to be helped. How do you as a chic communicate to your man the need to forgive his dad….in the cases of extreme abuse eg sexual abuse? Its not right to just sweep it under the carpet hoping it will go away…..
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October 18, 2010 at 4:19 pm
My dad was passive. I missed having a relationship with him. He let my mum lead the family in providing, making decisions etc. Maybe it was his personality. I make excuses for him coz I deeply want to believe that deep down he wants us to be tight. in 2003, he left us and went to live with a widow who had three kids. I felt bad, i felt rejected. I felt even worse because he would spend more time with these kids that are not his yet his own three children were rendered ‘fatherless’. furthermore, my mum is really bitter about it and if we would hang out with my dad she says we were supporting him. I am in a dilemma because I want to have a daughter-father relationship without supporting his leaving us. Please help!!!
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October 18, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Pastor S, the sermon was great. My issue is that we have been raised by our mum and she is the best. We never lacked anything but as they say women are closers to their dads and i never had any relationship with him. My mum wanted to be a single parent and she did great and when i was a child having a father around was not an issue to me but now i got curious as i grew older. Eventually my mum told us who our dad was but deep down i knew she was not telling us the truth coz my so called dad completion is totally different from mine coz am extremely brown(yellow) and my brother is extremely dark and they look alike. I ignored the issue coz i could not ask my mum but later i discovered from my aunt that me and my bro have different dads. I have known for a while but i can not ask my mum coz its really hard. I want to know who my dad is and it does not matter to me if me and bro have different dads. What do i do coz i do not want my mum to feel that i do not appreciate or love her? Where do i start? My aunt died before i got more information and now am stuck. Help me out, i want to know who he is.
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October 18, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Pastor S, thank you so much for your sermon.
In my case, I feel such rage towards my parents … 40 years later. I am the first-born and I was the one who had to separate my parents when they fought (and I do not remember a time when they didn’t fight when we were kids). I guess am angry at my mum because I hate it that she was too weak to walk out of her marriage – and not because she couldn’t but because she was too scared of what people would say. To this day, she has the same mentality – she will go out of her way to make sure the family home is spick ‘n’ span because “what would people say if they came to visit and saw paint chipping or the flowers not pruned, etc … And yet, the inside of that home is just rotten to the core !!! I’ve tried talking to my mum about my hurt and the response I get is “get over it” … “if I’ve forgiven your father,, I suggest you do to” … “i don’t even know why you go to Church if you can tell me such things” … So, my plan is to move out of home a.s.a.p. and never visit them again !!!
Then, am angry at my dad because he used to hit my mum !!! At one time, he brought a woman home in the middle of the night when my mum was out of the country and I walked into his bedroom and had to chase them both out of the house !!! He doesn’t give enough money to my mum to buy groceries for the house thinking that the 2k he used to give 2 years ago will buy the same quantity this year !!! And even though I don’t have any proof, I know my dad has another family outside !!! He’s +ve and the way we got to know was when some woman called to “inform us”. I was so mad that I simply told her that it was her problem if she had been infected since she must have willingly taken herself to my dad – a married man !!!
All I wish now is that he would come out and tell us if he does have another family – I do not have a job anymore so I am struggling so hard to make the family business work for us and I do not want to find myself in court fighting over property because of his indiscretions !!!
Pastor S, how will I ever be able to “let go and forgive” … I feel like I am slowly dying inside and sometimes I wish I could be involved in an accident where I die on the spot if only to get me out of this world !!!
Lord help me,
“Longing to be healed.
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October 19, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I thank God for you pastor S.
I must say that the sermon is a blessings but when it comes to ask each other best father/father figure experience.i have nothing to share which feels bad. I do not know what a Father is in my life. I dnt know my dad, dnt know his name and whr He is and even if i ask my mom the reason of separation;she just cant explain and says he was just not good. am 27 now, have a step bro whom we leave with my now “Father Figure”This has not helped anything bcoz He doesnt do anything to fill the gap. My mom has always been the one striving for our education and since now she doesnt work;am forced to take up the family responsibility.
It is a budden but with the Help of God, i have managed to take it easy and only look for blessings.
It hurts but then what to do?
The songs He Knows My name is the only hope that keeps me going.Our
God is the only Father i have.
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October 19, 2010 at 2:29 pm
How about mother wounds? We all know women, have the gift of speech. In the wrong mouth, this gift can cause irreparable damage. I’m one of those who had mother wounds for the longest time. But many years ago, I confronted God with my woundedness, and allowed Him to repair my relationship with my mum. I resolved to start treating my mum the way someday I’d want my children to treat me. I tried to put myself in her shoes. It didn’t immediately erase the years of hurt. It was a gradual process and the beginning of my journey towards healing…
Very early on I realized that there is not one among us (our parents included) who will raise a child so effectively that the child will be void of issues which require subsequent resolution in adulthood. Our mere humaneness means that none of us has the secrets to a parenting path so wise that we will 100%, all the time, shield our children from every form of trauma or letdown. When I look at parents all around me, every one of them trying their hardest to be the very best they can, I am struck by the fact that children of these same men and women, may not always have nice things to say about their parents’ parenting skills. Therefore in as much as I have vowed not to repeat the mistakes my parents made in bringing us up, I am bowled-over by the realization that when I do finally have my own children, the uniqueness of context, and of my situation at the time, will inevitably result in misunderstandings and missteps in my actions as a parent.
The saddest thing about parenthood is that unlike many things in life, you learn the job, on the job! No one takes you aside to teach you how to be a mother or a father. You learn as you go along and therein lies many miscalculations. I agree with Pst. SM; very few parents set out to deliberately damage their children. It is while they are trying to make sense of parenting that they wound us, sometimes ever so deeply. Now that doesn’t mean that we don’t have the exceptional psycho mum or twisted dad on the loose, and for this, I’m deeply sorry to anyone who has this for a parent. All I’m saying is, while acknowledging where our parents failed and learning from their mistakes, let’s put our childhood experiences into context. Let’s cut our parents some slack by realizing that for the most part, they were only doing what they knew best.
NB
We as children must also learn to take responsibility. Some of us did not make it easy for our parents to bring us up. Just a thought…
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October 19, 2010 at 5:22 pm
My dad wounds dont just lie with my dad but with his brothers too,my ex and my mum. He died when I was 8. Before that, he dotted on me. But he didnt live with my mum. We’d visit often but we didn’t live together. Nobody ever gave me an explanation why. He’s name is not on my birth certificate, I still don’t know why. After he died, I got no support from his family. He had a house whose rent was to take care of my fees,but his family took each other to court for it and my mum couldn’t fight them. Why didnt my dad leave a solid will to sort this out? I had to stay out of school weeks on end for lack of fees. There are so many questions I want answers to but everyone acted like it isn’t my business. My dad would have prevented alot and so would his brothers but they chose to fight for his wealth. My ex on the other hand is never there for our son. All I get are promises and excuses. He cheated on me and now lives with another woman and their son. This after I gave six years of my life to him. I’ve been forced to put x’s in the father’s name slot in my son’s birth certificate. A situation i swore never to put my son in. I don’t know how i’ll explain it to my son but I will only so that he doesn’t live with questions like I did. I have left the door open for his dad too to see him if he’d like to. But I, i have no trust in men. And I am angry. So angry. I got rid of a second pregnancy for the same man coz i knew he wouldn’t be there. And I couldn’t handle that again. Funny thing is I blame myself. My mum is married to another man,but she is his second wife. The man has no sense of responsibility. Takes nothing seriously. Drinks and smokes infront of my small brother yet doesn’t help out at all. So you see Pastor S., I have no positive image of men. At times I think Id want to get married but again beleive Id just get hurt again. I’ve decided to confront those demons. Initially i’d decided to be strong and ignore it all. I didn’t even want to listen to the apology you gave Sunday coz I just couldn’t accept I was hurting. But now with prayer I beleive I will let go. Thank you Pastor Simon. God couldn’t have brought a better pastor my way. You are a blessed man of God
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October 19, 2010 at 10:08 pm
Pastor S,thank you despite the deep pain I experienced last Sunday I need to say asante. U did it again,spoke straight to the heart.Listening to the sermon brought my father-in-law to mind.I wept so bitterly when I recalled his cruelty..I was surprised at my response because somehow it seemed those wounds had safely remained closed up (the band-aid was doing a fine job) until like doctors do,you opened them up to clean..to heal.Ouch.I thought I had forgiven dad but realized I was carrying the pain,torturing myself and needed to let go.Mavuno church is so real and I’m so glad to be part of an authentic community.
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October 20, 2010 at 8:50 am
hi passy.its great to here from your great sermon.its actually the whole truth as you say.continue with the good work you r doing.
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October 20, 2010 at 11:01 am
Pastor S, the sermon on Sunday was so on point. I could not hold my emotions reading the comments from my fellow brothers and sisters, I wept and prayed for them that God would come through. I thank God for my dad who has tried his best to have us live good lives. I remember, he sacrificed to have us go to good schools; would rise up early in the morning to warm water for us every time we were reporting to school. Nonetheless, him and mum have not lived as husband and wife (that is based on me). There are times they even went for a week without talking to each other. I am trusting God that they will live together an appreciate each other.
One of my biggest prayer is that we (men) and more so those who have heard this sermon series will be the best dads and husbands for our families by the grace of God. Oh God, help us!!
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October 22, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Amen to that Steve, its my prayer too that Mavuno Guys will all be the best husbands and dads in the world, all in the Glory of God.
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October 20, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Thank you, Pastor Simon for your sermon. It touched me because like most people I have daddy wounds. He passed away when I was in High school and I did not shed a tear at his funeral, I was actually happy that he was no longer here to hurt my mum and be a nuisance. For many years I was a bad girl, choosing bad relationships, abusing drugs and alcohol and living a promiscuous life. I spent most of my teens and early twenties living like this because of the hurt and pain my dad caused me. He never worked, he drank and misbehaved and would physically abuse my mother. Basically my mum brought us up to the best of her ability and she did a great job I believe that because despite my rebellious ways, there was always a good girl trying to be free.
When I was about 6 or so, we would go to church and I remember my mum asking for help from the church regarding the abuse and absolutely no one stood up to help her, which hurt me because if God’s people cannot help, what does that say about society? Needless to say, I was an atheist for a long time. I was angry at God for failing to sort out my issues.
Basically I carried these daddy issues for years and years. I spent most of my life hating myself and the world around me. Anyway when I was about 24/25 I read a book on releasing toxic emotions and that day I cried for my dad and I forgave him for each and every thing he did and just let go of all the toxic emotions I had been carrying around. I found peace and that is the time I started seeking God and looking for a different way to live. And God has led me to this church and I thank him everyday for the good work you do for the society.
In trying to understand my father, I realized that he also suffered from many issues which no one was able to help him with. His mum (my grandma) would get drunk and lock him in a cupboard for days with no food; he received no love from his mum or dad and no support. All in all, I know he had wounds which caused him to be the man he was and I pray that those with children may not inflict the same wounds but break the cycle and raise up a great generation. At your sermon, I actually felt gratitude to my father for bringing me into the world and realized that I have forgiven and let go…
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October 21, 2010 at 11:09 am
Hi Pastor S
That sermon was quite something. I thought I had dealt with my father wound issues during the Man Enough Series. He wouldn’t meet me last year and I chose to let him go. But I guess this was at another level. A deeper one.
I met my father for the first time when I was 17, for all of ten minutes. I coerced my mother through violence to arrange the meeting. I have since met him 4 or 5 times over the last 22 years. The acknowledgment I sought was lacking in all of those meetings. Even naming my first son after him did not make a difference.
On Sunday I wept. I wept because, I was angry, I was sad, I was bitter.
I now have a ten and half year old son whom I don’t live with. I made a decision about 6 years ago to be part of his life and him in mine. Little did I realise how ill-equipped and inadequate I was for the task of raising a man. I guess this is where my sadness, anger and bitterness arose on Sunday.
I am also taking the Parenting Class(LEA) that I almost quit a few weeks ago until I got it that I don’t want my son, at 40, sitting in a similar class dealing with the same issues I am dealing with. It is hard. Yet, I honestly do not want my son to go through what I have gone through; a life dogged by alcoholism, relationships with unavailable women and mistrust of men leading to a life of zero accountability. And this has also greatly impacted my faith and trust in God.
I was angry at the immense responsibility and work that I have got cut out for me. I was bitter at this legacy he has bequeathed me and sad at the experience I am going through of feeling neutered after yet another failed relationship. It was hard letting go. It is hard forgiving my father.
Then on Tuesday evening, I got a call from my mother that my dad had died that morning. Honestly, my first feeling was that he had won again. This time for ever.
It has been suggested that I should be the bigger man and do what a son does; that I honour my father. I have shared that I have no clue how to do this. And I still don’t. I don’t even know whether to let my son know. I am however, considering attending the funeral.
Right now, I am wavering between numbness and the now familiar feelings and thoughts of anger, confusion, sadness and bitterness.
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October 22, 2010 at 10:11 am
Hey @ still got work to do. Attend the funeral , not just to honor him, but for ur closure. tell ur son. he may not understand now, but it will be a great decision.
no 1 may understand what u r going thru, but our Father in heaven, and our friend Jesus does.
Praying that u may hav strength to do this.
Dont quit now…..
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October 22, 2010 at 10:11 am
@ Still Got Work To Do
I praise God at the realizations that you came to after the sermon. It must have been hard for you to hear all the responsibility that has been bestowed on men to raise generations.
I believe God will enable and equip you in this great work. Remember it’s not by your own strength. You cannot do this on your own and God understands and knows this.
God will give you what you need. Ask him to guide you, to tell you what to do, to give you the words to speak to your son, to pave the way for you and to walk with you. I believe God hears our prayers and that he will come through for you and will not fail you.
Again, my condolences on the loss of your father. I hope whatever you decide, whether to attend the funeral or not, that God will grant you peace and that you let him begin the healing process of your heart.
Your Heavenly Father loves you.
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October 22, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Hi, glad you are strong enough to write.
Pole about the death of your dad… It will be well, eventually. God does not start us on a journey that has a dead end, I know he has a story he is writing with this. Just do your part – keep letting go, praying about it, attend the funeral with somebody or 2 from life group (if you have one), and begin to walk among the counsel of a few. We could have you meet with one of the pastors after funeral and talk through the issues.
For now, may God comfort, strengthen and guide you in his love and wisdom. Praying for you.
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October 21, 2010 at 11:22 am
Pst. S, once again, u r highly annointed and a big blessing to our generation. Last Sunday was awesome, and it made me appreciate even more the ministry u r running at Transform Kenya. May God continue to increase your territory.
As for my father, despite a few issues here n there, I believe he did a great job. My significant wounds however, lie with my daughter’s dad. To the extent that he has been an absentee father physically, emotionally, and even in terms of provision. N guess what, from ur teachings on Generational Curses, Man Enough and now Father Wounds, I realise his problems run much deeper than the surface because the same issues manifest with three other siblings of his out of a total of 8 surviving (so, 4 out of 8 of them have issues with seperation/divorce, n child neglect).
We now live apart, but my prayer n ur encouragement is that God will step in by giving me wisdom on how to include him in the child’s life, and how to bring up a child with a wholesome view of who God is and the worthy purposes He has for our lives, despite our circumstances.
Bless u so much, and I continue to pray for your family- to continue to be a beacon of hope to many; and also for Mavuno Church to continue to grow and be such a powerful instrument of God’s work.
My last request is to the media team. Please post the poem that was presented b4 the sermon coz the words were quite powerful. Also, when making the dvd, please include the part of repentance by Pst. S n Pst M, and also the final blessing to the men n women that was done towards the end. They form the most significant part of the sermon. If possible also include at the beginning 1 powerful song in line with the theme.
Thank all of you.
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October 22, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Dear Cy,
Here are the words of the poem from the video. You can also listen to it on youtube. I, too found it very powerful
Knock, Knock
by Daniel Beatty
As a boy I shared a game with my father.
Played it every morning ’til I was 3.
He would knock knock on my door,
and I’d pretend to be asleep
’til he got right next to the bed,
Then I would get up and jump into his arms.
“Good morning, Papa.”
And my papa he would tell me that he loved me.
We shared a game.
Knock Knock
Until that day when the knock never came
and my momma takes me on a ride past corn fields
on this never ending highway ’til we reach a place of high
rusty gates.
A confused little boy,
I entered the building carried in my mama’s arms.
Knock Knock
We reach a room of windows and brown faces
behind one of the windows sits my father.
I jump out of my mama’s arms
and run joyously towards my papa
Only to be confronted by this window.
I knock knock trying to break through the glass,
trying to get to my father.
I knock knock as my mama pulls me away
before my papa even says a word.
And for years he has never said a word.
And so twenty-five years later, I write these words
for the little boy in me who still awaits his papa’s knock.
Papa, come home ’cause I miss you.
I miss you waking me up in the morning and telling me you love me.
Papa, come home, ’cause there’s things I don’t know,
and I thought maybe you could teach me:
How to shave;
how to dribble a ball;
how to talk to a lady;
how to walk like a man.
Papa, come home because I decided a while back
I wanted to be just like you.
but I’m forgetting who you are.
And twenty-five years later a little boy cries,
and so I write these words and try to heal
and try to father myself
and I dream up a father who says the words my father did not.
Dear Son,
I’m sorry I never came home.
For every lesson I failed to teach, hear these words:
Shave in one direction in strong deliberate strokes to avoid irritation
Dribble the page with the brilliance of your ballpoint pen.
Walk like a god and your goddess will come to you.
No longer will I be there to knock on your door,
So you must learn to knock for yourself.
Knock knock down doors of racism and poverty that I could not.
Knock knock down doors of opportunity
for the lost brilliance of the black men who crowd these cells.
Knock knock with diligence for the sake of your children.
Knock knock for me for as long as you are free,
these prison gates cannot contain my spirit.
The best of me still lives in you.
Knock knock with the knowledge that you are my son, but you are not my choices.
Yes, we are our fathers’ sons and daughters,
But we are not their choices.
For despite their absences we are still here.
Still alive, still breathing
With the power to change this world,
One little boy and girl at a time.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
We are.
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October 21, 2010 at 11:42 am
hi pastor M. my concern is a bit different. i have a great relationship with my dad but i have been praying on behalf of my boyfriend. does that count? he wants nothing to do with his dad who was abusive and all and later on left them when he was around 10 years old. he never answers his dads calls and he actually wants absolutely nothing todo with him. i pray for him and his dad to reconcile at some point in time but how effective is it for me to pray for him??? is it the same thing as him praying for himself? please advise. thank you
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November 11, 2010 at 3:23 pm
HI FLO! you are dating avery bitter man.let him forgive his father and behave with civility.Tell him to read mathew 18-forgiving is MANDATORY for all Christians,how can u love God whom u have never seen if hate your very own father for the mistakes of commission or omission they may have done in life?
Ask your boy friend aokoke.If not ,i kindly besseech you to consider ending that relationship-coz it will bring bitterness and regrets to you.
You seem to have a good upbringing yourself and you seem sober.Iam sure you are very attractive to any eligible bachelor.So dont chain yourself down with a bitter and resentful young man.Meanwhile keep praying for him ,but he must make a conscious decisuion to love his father.tell your friend to break the bad cycle or he will carry over his bagage even to his married life
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October 21, 2010 at 3:07 pm
he passy s
i hear sermons about fathers and their role in their life and for a long time i wondered…is it mandatory for me to have a relationship with my father..or like an old habit can i just let go?
for years i have tried to love my daddy and truth is i do..i love him to bits but i don’t think he loves me.
he is mean to me
he condemns us
he doesn’t know whether i eat or sleep…it kills me.
i want to forgive him but i want a relationship with him..i deserve one!
i hope by the end of this series i will be able to reach out and love him and be his daughter,friend and he will be truly the first human male i love!
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October 21, 2010 at 4:34 pm
pastor s
okay Sunday sermon was just something.it was hard for me.i thought by letting it go had helped a lot but shock on me am still hurting and very much bitter and anger at my dad.
my memory of him,he was abusive and violent.used to beat my mum.he died of a long illness which he also passed to my mum.
so many things have happened i can relate with men,i just don’t trust them,i face rejection.
my mum was very saved,i don’t get why it had to happen so soon.
how do i deal with these?
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October 21, 2010 at 9:14 pm
Can you forgive your daddy and have nothing to with him?I think I have forgiven mine but I cat be able to relate to him,hes been absent in my life for a long time so now it is really awkward to even talk to him,am not bitter or anything like that.I was listening to Preacher who said you can forgive a rapist but that doesn’t mean they are not supposed to go to jail for what they did.
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October 22, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Hi all,
I really like Curious Mind’s perspective on this issue, many of us are wounded and hurting it is very sad to see what we have gone through. However, when we accept the fact that we live in a fallen world where suffering and other bad things happen to good people it is much easier to forgive and let go.
I personally have been through quite a lot, as most of us have, but I now know that my life has been what it is, and will be what it will be. I do my best and let God do the rest.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr
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October 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Who will cry for the little boy?
By Antwone Fisher
who will cry for the little boy?
Lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Abandoned without his own?
Who will cry for the little boy?
He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He never had for keeps.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who knows well hurt and pain
Who will cry for the little boy?
He died again and again.
Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who cries inside of me
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October 22, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Am beyond words just reading through. I cant say that I understand, but I know that God’s grace is sufficient for all of us and that God loves and longs to see us be happy.. We really need your Help God, you are all in my prayers.
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October 22, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Hi all, thanks a lot for sharing your stories. Wish I had the space to reply to each of you individually, but I believe some of the questions will be addressed by the remaining sermons. For now, let me just say that God has the power to completely change your story into a great ending. Let us trust him with our wounds, he is a great healer. Heling is a process, but it starts with a decision and change of attitude. One day soon, your mess will be turned into a message. Blessings all and praying for you.
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October 25, 2010 at 2:45 am
was a great massage,even though i just got the massage via email and i read it,i have learned alot from the sermon.
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October 25, 2010 at 8:33 am
The teaching sunday was a blessing to my soul. It was a wake up call n i wana rebuild my relationship with my father. pliz tell me the time on wednesday that you guyz are going to start the praters coz i want to bring my daddy be blessed
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October 26, 2010 at 7:27 am
@Andrew,
GT starts at 5am
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October 25, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Dear Pastor S,
I am very new in Mavuno last Sunday was my second Sunday in Church. The sermon on Dad’s has brought out many many sad stories about fathers which is very sad. My story is not sad i thank God but of my hero, my dad. may be just to confirm that what your preaching about what a dad should be has been the story of my life.
My dad made it very clear that no other man should tell us they love us more than he does and that became a mantra in our lives my 2 sisters and I. He was very old school but very open again. No boy/man would dare knock our gate for fear of him opening and the repercussion thereafter. Of course there were the daring ones, once a Muslim boy dared him and boy wasn’t he shocked! the big Q was, “why do you veil your women and then come and look for ours? come back once you get the answer”
He cared very deeply for the 5 of us, he sent us letters every week to school to remind us his teachings and those of God(he was/is an Evangelist) we hated those mails i only wished i kept them for my daughters, He taught us sex education, he kept telling us how good sex was…”ask your mother” then in his burly voice he would finish…”only in marriage” All his prayers even for food ended up in marriage and sex, to my 2 bros he kept repeating, “porn would never enhance your sex life only make it worse”!
He kept telling us how beautiful and wonderful we were that we didn’t need no make up, to date none of us does any make up.Even though he was a lowly paid civil servant, he would not allow us to get cash elsewhere for our girlie needs but from him.
He suffered an almost fatal stroke 2years back, and in his coma all we could hear was him mumbling Jesus Christ…God is in the process of restoring him again, he is almost anew again.
Sadly we experimented in life, though not so badly, we came back to his teachings, 2 of us are married now and have good marriages thanx to him, my prayer is that our husbands become strong for our kids like our dad was to us.
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October 26, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Pastor S, I want to thank God for you first and for most. I want to say thankyou for being a daddy to many in this fatherless generation.
I am one heavy girl this pain is so heavy i dont think i can cry anymore. My dad I love my dad with all my heart even if he falls under all those categories I still LOVE HIM!! OOOOh what a lie I fear him to death every time I hear his car as he comes home waar!! i run to my room for the sake of peace. My dad has told me things like you will never make a good wife just because I put his soup afew minutes longer in the micro. My dad has hit me so hard once upon a time I had a black eye and i had to go to school that way not forgetting the bruises (blood clot) I had on my thighs or on my back well because He hit me. And i recall one night after he had hit me he came to my room as i lay in bed literally bleeding he came and lifted my quilt and smiled and said, ”Good!” Oh lets not forget the time on my suicidal attempt He said, GO ahead Langata Cemetry is waiting for you.” WOW that was a blow. But I found and escape to ,my issues and thats food i ate away into my miseries and it made me feel better.
Pastor S I got tired of crying I dont cry no more and just became bitter against him and men in general. I am one traumatized mama My relationships are quite dramatic and i run run away from any man who shows signs and symptoms of my dad though im attracted to them.
I know forgiveness and all but how about me? What about me?
I cant face him im terrified leave alone pips who can face him He may just lose his temper and hit me. His those men that believe his right and he knows.
I have cried out to GOD but the pain dosent seem to go away when is my healing Pastor S and tell me if i will ever be ok??SO this sermon is really hard for me to even seat still in church.I got tired of having to wish and want other peoples dads what i have resulted to is looking for another dad.
Will i ever be okay? Even how i feel about myself will i be ok?
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November 1, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Agnes,your morning is coming.i don’t know when but i just know.Jehovah God our Lord,is a Good Father.That might be difficult for your to fully grasp right now.I hope the remainder of the series will make this clearer.I’m sorry for your pain and the abuse you’ve suffered.God will comfort you,not just to make you comfortable but a comforter to many others who are unable to speak up like you have.Pl keep coming to church even when sitting through is mighty hard knowing what you have been through.
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October 27, 2010 at 4:15 pm
I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was about 8 years old. I thought I had forgiven him and moved on. Your sermon made me face it again. I thought I was strong but by the end of the service I was breaking down. I never really thought of him as a father figure, but during your sermon felt he was as close if not as important as my dad is to me. For a long time I have felt pretty self conscious and battled with low self esteem. I have tried to cover t up with aggression and I believe that it has played a huge role in my shortcomings, including my studies. I always feel like I have so much more to give than I am able to deliver. I believe my aggression, depression, fear etc stems from it. I’m always ambitious but somehow never seem to attain my goals. I keep trying to work on me. I hope and pray I achieve my God-given destiny.
-A.C.
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November 10, 2010 at 8:54 pm
While in primary school, I did witness a violent relationship between my parents. My father would physically abuse my Mother. They did end up separating, and my siblings and I went on to stay with our Mother. She was and still is the strength and stability in our lives.
We did not harbour any bitterness, (the much I am aware of), against our Dad. We never talked badly about him all the years he was away. But now that he is back into our lives, seeing as he transformed I do find myself strruggling with the fact that what role does he play in my life sometimes.
I am now 25 years of age and having gone through some of the toughest stages of life in his absence, it becomes difficlut at times to try establish a relevant relationship with him. After going through the series and doing some soul searching, I was actually surprised at my response to his getting back into my life….. I never thought it would be a problem seing as we did see it coming since after high school he did stay in touch, we would visit and he helped in paying fees.
It will be a defining journey going forward trying to establish a relationship where I am coached by him for life ahead….spending time on the does rather than the don’ts..
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