NO MORE DRAMA
Guidelines For Handling Conflict: Honesty, Timing, Giver Mentality, Positive Language, Forgiveness
Ephesians 4:25-32
Get the PowerPoint with notes from the sermon here.
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February 15, 2009 at 11:57 am
2day’s sermon waz realy gr8.altho i waz abit shockd that pple r ready 2 jump in2 marriage after hearing this series.ama they myt hav missd the other parts of the series,cud be.abt that pax thing,sounds lyk a gud invention…”Honey,i really dnt want kids,PAX.we’l discuss this l8r…”its brilliant n blunder proof.i myt use it if i get married
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February 15, 2009 at 11:57 am
Allow me to remain anonymous lest my words be used against me in case my boss reads this. Pastor M, I have been through this series but all this applies to me in a different light – my relationship with my boss. We have been having conflict and the sermon today just crowned it all! I see myself as a tortoise and actually today was not the first time I have considered myself thus. I have the tendency of withdrawing to my shell and that I have always been aware of.
My boss is the gorilla. He just confronts and oh yes, he has been digging through the archives, coming out with dusty skeletons and old files.
Pastor M I sat thru the sermon with emotions bubbling in my heart when I just felt a relief that there is hope after all. That I have not lost it and all I gotta do is just learn to speak my feelings out. But this is nit easy for a tortoise, and I know that you know that. Your better half spoke of a book about dealing with a gorilla. I would really like to know if such a book exists, and how I may obtain a copy.
Further to this, I downloaded the series “The Dark Side of Greatness” This has also served as a beautiful eye-opener for me. Am learning so much on how to handle the difficulties with the boss.
All this, however, leaves me as sort of hanging. The boss is a non believer. In fact he is Moslem. So I just dont know just how to let him know how I feel – without a war being declared on me…
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February 15, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Hi Pastor M,i would like to thank you and Pastor C for your sermon’s.I have been following your sermon’s for the past 3-4 month’s and i can say that you guys have been a real blessing.The topics for Jan and Feb came at the right time for so many people.My sweetie and i have been having issues since late last year and and let’s say that we are both runners but I am trying to salvage our relationship by not being a runner anymore.(You’ve taught us 2day that running away does not solve anything but instead we should face right on whatever it is that we are facing as a team and not as an individual but most importantly is that we should learn to forgive because to be honest with you Pastor M,I have a a lot of forgiving and letting go to do)when you guys were talking of some of the things you went through in your marriage,i can say that those are some of the things we are going through in our relationship and what is encouraging is that you and Pastor C managed through them all and I Believe that we shall get through them all.Thanks Pastor M and God Bless.Remember me and my boyfi in your prayers even as we try and solve our issues.
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February 15, 2009 at 3:30 pm
The sermon was very good, it touch all areas of relationships. Have you considered having a forum integrated into your site!! So many people look for solutions and advice in all the wrong places i.e. friends. But if you have one here, they can post all their issues here and get at least good advice.
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February 15, 2009 at 3:31 pm
The sermon was very good, it touch all areas of relationships. Have you considered having a forum integrated into your site!! So many people look for solutions and advice in all the wrong places i.e. friends. But if you have one here, they can post all their issues here and get at least good advice. Now about the sermon i think am a combination of some of the animals 🙂
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February 15, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Oh i forgot a good free forum software can be found here at:
http://www.phpbb.com/
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February 15, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Thanx Pastor M for your sermons.
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February 15, 2009 at 3:46 pm
today’s sermon was just the one.i was in a relationship that was non communicative and just totally wrong and it ended about two years ago.but how it ended was really bad.then by coincidence,we met about a month ago and now we are trying to see what really went wrong.i have been trying to push it away;and somehow it was God speaking to me on how to handle it now that i have a chance to say what i should have said a while back.i have been praying earnestly to God to open up my eyes and let me see beyond this situation; and today, I can say that God answered my prayers during the sermon.indeed, His voice is so sweet and uplifting.the experience that i had in church today was just incredible.i discovered that he indeed is a skunk and i am a tortoise.i said sorry enough times on his behalf,after him making me feel so bad about issues that were facing us then.well, the tortoise now has gathered enough courage to now face the skunk boldly.i believe when the day comes for us to sort out issues,i will not feel intimidated,i will tell as it is but at the same time, use alot of the “pax” thing if things get much heated up.most importantly, i will forgive as christians ought to forgive and continue with life only as friends.the sermon was practical and made a lot of sense to me especially over a situation i thought was completely helpless.
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February 15, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Today I was a first time visitor at Mavuno, and I’m glad I came. Ironically, I heard about Mavuno from the man I WAS dating. I recently moved to Nairobi from Atlanta and after a decade plus away, did not know where to start or which church to attend. I have always been a God-fearing lady but I allowed some compromises in my life the last couple of years in order to sustain this relationship. I can’t begin to tell you how relevant today’s sermon was for me…from the minute you both started talking… it was like you were speaking right at me. The animal characters cleared a lot of things for me. I’m also a runner, a people pleaser, and he’s a figther, never weak, so I was always saying sorry even for things I didn’t do in order to appease the situation.
After being in a long distance relationship for 2 years, I finally moved here 3 months ago, BUT it didn’t last. We broke up a few weeks ago. The reality is we had no tools to handle any of the situations we were facing so there was constant friction. I wish we had attended Mavuno when I arrived…
Thank you for your message. I bought January’s series and the worship project today and hopefully can begin the healing process. I’m not sure whether to ask you to pray for God to re-unite us or for the strength to walk away, but do pray for Tony and I.
Thank you,
Rose.
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February 15, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Pastors M&C,
Reading through a few weeks of people’s comments it makes me feel that God is really doing wonderful things in Mavuno and through it to get his people to discover HIM – The Source, and their purpose.
Its very uplifting to see and understand the impact of your positive messages on marriage and relationships as an alternative to all the negativity spewed especially through the media.
I appreciate that Mavuno creates an environment where people can come ‘as they are’ so that God can fix them;people who would otherwise not go to church because they themselves and the people around them have written them off. This is much appreciated
On a personal note, my husband and I have been privileged to have had a lot of this season’s info through the Mavuno pre-marital counseling and I can say that the refresher course has been eye opening, so that even as we are entering drama stage, we are well aware and are taking the necessary steps to avert damaging or permanent discord that may arise. I personally resonate with the point of a couple being a team and not adversaries and pray that I may always remember to play my part as God would have me do. I can’t thank you guys enough.
I pray for God’s protection over you and your family, your prosperity, good health and that you may have the desires of your heart.
Blessings
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February 15, 2009 at 10:12 pm
i am such an ostrich that i can easily make u believe am not!!!!thanks for the sermon.this is one area in my lifer I’ll develop this year-to not trivialize issues with humour but rather resolving them.
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February 16, 2009 at 12:08 am
Thanks pastor!i discovered today am a runner,i like pleasing and am unable to say no,please pray for me to learn to say No!where needed.i have found myself compromising just cz i cant say no to stuff n i gues pple even family n pals take advantage,God bles u sana
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February 16, 2009 at 8:49 am
Pastor M & C,
Yesterday’s sermon was God send; my fiance and I had a disagreement on Feb 14 (yeah I know) and yesterday, I came for the early service alone while he went into his discipleship class. After the sermon,it felt like it was just what we needed to not only hear but begin to practice in our relationship, being honest especially about our feelings. He is a tortoise and am a skunk (just perfect!). Anyway, I waited for him to finish his mizizi class and we sat in the second service together.We were totally humbled and blessed to hear from both of you. Now we are taking this in so that we can have a blast in our drama phase while in the relationship and by God’s grace in our marriage. Thanks for sharing your lives and helping us and others like ourselves show the world that Happily Ever After is possible. Have a great week!
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February 16, 2009 at 9:28 am
Pastor M and C
The sermon was great! again!
I think am a hedgehog married to a tortoise but my husband thinks an a chip… and am thinking…am I really that bad?
However your relationship( M & C) is a consolation that mine is going to work….I can clearly relate the”work on me pray for them” in the whole happily ever after series.
By the way you guys were great on sebuleni. I rarely watch tv but had to catch that one.
Kanji I liked your response on the sex matter…. It looked like you were on the spot but you were great on the response.You carried our banner high and represented us well.
Proudly Mavunite!
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February 16, 2009 at 10:20 am
am an ostrich n twas gud u shined the beam on me..wow
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February 16, 2009 at 11:38 am
Pastors M & C,
What to say? You guyz have been beyond words … Thank you for all the sincerity and sharing that you have afforded Mavuno Church. We continue to learn so much and I pray that I will become a better spouse. It always sounds so uplifting sitting in Church and soaking in the sermon, the challenge is always the implementation part … We can only pray for God’s grace and strength in order to perservere because at times giving up feels like the easier option. Let us continue praying for the marraiage institution and for God’s plan for our lives. THANK YOU.
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February 16, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Hi
I have opened the powerpoint presetation on runners and fighters.
However it does not have the individual characteristics of each. e.g ostrich, hedgehog.Any chance that we could have that?
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February 16, 2009 at 4:56 pm
hi ppl
I always wondered why I over reacted to everythin sometimes I thought I was going insane especially when it came to dealing with the issues I have with my spouse. Last Sunday, the revelation came; I was a GORILLA with a capital G! Pastor M can feel this since he is a confessed Gorilla. I am taking Mizizi and hope it can help me chill out a bit as am always boiling with rage and ready for a fight; believe me it will not end until I WIN. To add injury to insult, my spouse is an ostrich! Mungu saidia
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February 16, 2009 at 8:14 pm
am sure all of us who are out of town cant wait hear the sermon online and get to discover if we are ostriches, hedgehogs or…..
was nice to see pastors M and C on sebuleni…Agree with Wendy..Kanji gave a good conclusion to the topic on sex. thanks for ‘wakilishaing’ us.
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February 17, 2009 at 8:42 am
I wish the power point had more notes especially on each descriptor. i really want to share it with my workmates on mail.
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February 17, 2009 at 8:52 am
Pasto M & C, God bless sana, I trully pray everybody realises how favored mavuno guys we are to receive this knowledge, use it good people and the best thing about all this is it doesnt end on sunday,if we made a habit of reading the bible and praying daily while living out the word of God all the time, it impacts all our other relationships;boss, parenting(which was a revelation to me) even friendships.
Kanji, that was a good answer, was quite worried for you seing it was right after Getrude spoke:-)Barikiwa.
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February 17, 2009 at 10:16 am
I was out off town too, really dying for online sermons to proof if am a gorilla………………..
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February 17, 2009 at 10:34 am
Hi Pastor M&C,
At first i wanted to write my comments and following question privately but after reading other comments i realize that this was a timely message for others as well and therefore i shouldn’t be ashamed.
I hate conflict – I’ve always know that i am a runner, but this message was a great eyeopener as it enabled me to think through the issues, and find ways to come out of my tortoise shell.
I shared the sermon with my boyfriend (who goes to another Chapel branch), and the basic message was that we need to ‘fight’ better as i refuse to confront issues and he has a bring it on attitude. We’ve been dating for almost three years now and he says that he’s not too sure that we’re ready for marriage because he doesn’t know how I’ll react to conflict (and believe me its not that we haven’t fought).
My question is, at what point would you say you are ready to deal with the conflicting issues and that you’re ready to go ahead and make that commitment – how important is it for us to be fully prepared (well, what is prepared in the first place) for the happy ever after stage with regards to the fight…. I’d like to know
And thanks for being so real with us and baring yourselves to help us learn the lessons.
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February 17, 2009 at 11:03 am
Hi…I was a first time visitor this past Sunday and was blessed by the message. It was very timely for me. Thank you pastors. Question: I purchased a ticket for the concert Friday night, but I’m not driving and wanted to know if there will be transport from church to town after the concert, and where. Alternatively, if anyone is from Gigiri and will be attending, I would totally appreciate it if I could hitch a ride back with you. Thank you, Rose.
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February 17, 2009 at 11:04 am
@ Ed, your fellow runner here, please make sure you buy the book called Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, available at Keswick bookshop, its really good on teaching how to say no.
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February 17, 2009 at 11:06 am
you can also log onto their website cloudtownsend.com
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February 17, 2009 at 3:37 pm
@Nancy, I think the exact title of the book is “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” is it? http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
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February 18, 2009 at 7:36 am
Thanks to all you guys the recalations and confessions are deep and Real. Thanks Pasy for the teachings I feel like am better Equiped for marriage now.
Question How would you advice me to deal with my Fiance’s Dad? He is a gorilla and not saved, I met him for the first time recently, let me say it wasn’t pleasant and I foresee Difficulties!!
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February 18, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Pastor M and Pastor carol
it was really refreshing to hear you talk about runners and fighters and to help me understand clearly what has been happening in our marriage.
what carol said about letting go, stop making demands and forgiveness was just great. that God doesnt work in a vacuum , HE WILL USE WHAT IS THERE ALREADY . and i thought wow!!! yes my hubby does have his good side , but have i been seeing it and have i been thankful?
quite a challenge, am working on it- and learning to be grateful is not easy.
thanks once again for such a rich input. God bless
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February 18, 2009 at 7:35 pm
A tortoise here with skunk tendencies if pushed in a corner during a confrontation. Ps. M & C, thank you for the sermon on Sunday. I think this one was more for families than couples. I am now able to understand my family more and know how to deal with them when conflict arises. Things have changed and it’s amazing how God is working in the families and causing healing and restoration of marriages.
We thank God for you Ps. M & C.
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February 18, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Pastor C & M.
I must say you guys are a real blessing to many. The sunday sermons get better & better and I always look forward to coming to mavuno on sunday at noon. I must say I have a very positive attitude towards marriage and its a God given gift to mankind. Though not married but looking forward to having a happily ever after life with the Controversial ‘THE ONE”
I belive God has a purpose and created us to subdue the earth. Am a gorilla and my wife to be is a tortoise. I believe we have armed ourselves with the knowledge we would have never learnt any where. Mavuno is the place to be.
I thank you guys making a difference.
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February 19, 2009 at 8:47 am
Animal Farm???
God brought all the animals before Adam so that he could name them…
By the way…
During the naming of all the animals, Adam was told that one of the animals was missing. He later ordered some animals to go in search of that lost one.
Some time later as the naming of the animals was still being carried out by Adam, one animal came speedily and halted at once saying, “sir, I have checked everywhere and I am sorry to report that there is no lost animal!”
Since Adam knew the number of animals, and was very sure that one of them was missing, he went on to exclaim, “You Chee-tah!”
Soon after the cheetah left, a bird with large eyes came to report on the same matter. The bird landed on Adam’s head and Adam cried out, “Ow!!!!” He then dismissed that bird away from his presence, and the bird fly to a nearby tree and cried.
Moments later there was a scaffle amongst the animals as the other animal came in with his report. “Sir, I have located that lost animal!”
After all the dust settled, Adam went on to say, “Thanks, but Gee, your raffe!”
As I sat listening to the sermon this Sunday 15th, I realized that we(human beings) have some tendencies that resemble most, if not all, of the animals God created.
As we were listening to that timely sermon, we got to know that we could either be a tortoise, an ostrich, or an owl; for runners. A hedgehog, a skunk, or a gorilla; for fighters.
I think I fit being a gorilla and an ostrich at times.
But suffice it to say, all animals reflect to a great extent our human tendencies. There are those in our midst who behave more or less than cats i.e. when they want something from you, they are so loving. Others behave like wasps, and like to hang out with other similar people. The wasps encourage each other to cause havoc to their unsuspecting targets. The ‘wasps’ never lack any harsh word to speak about anyone who comes through their paths.
Unlike bees, who can only sting once and later die. Bees are those people who have the sweetest words, and most of their words are very pleasing, however, when they sting, you will not believe that someone so nice could say or do some things. But whatever they will say is so hurtful that they would wish they were dead (or at least never see you again).
Many people fall in the category of baboons because, as they do what they do as one, they often look at each others faults and forget that they have the same faults.
The Bible describes the enemy (devil) as a roaring lion. Lions hunt in packs; a pride of lions will approach a herd of antelopes grazing somewhere, and often, the head of the pride will go around the antelopes not allowing the breeze or wind give them away. Once the lion is on the other side, he will let a loud fierce roer that will scare the antelopes and they will all be running away from the sound, not knowing that they are heading straight to where the lionesses are and all other lions.
Some of us are like the antelopes who get scared easily and often stop what they are doing and run towards trouble itself. Others of us are like the lions, they will allow their leader to go around the antelopes and let out a loud cry that will confuse others to a point that they do not realize what they were initially doing.
Some people are like moles; you never see them around, but they hide themselves while doing their best to spoil something good e.g. a field of maize.
Each of us have worms in us; just like when we harvest peas, we find inside the pea that there is a worm. Upon careful search of that pea, we cannot find anywhere that the pod was with a hole. This is because, like all of us, we are born with sin which does not show any signs of it coming in, but has been there since we were boen. However, thank god we can be cleansed from that sin (original sin) by receiving christ’s forgiveness and receiving Him as our Lord and Saviour.
Some people are like hyenas, they follow closely to the lions knowing very well that the lions would find something to eat. And when the lions are well fed, the hyenas get the left-overs. Hyenas are those people who are never satisfied beause they do not work with what God has given them, but always look down on themselves and have decided that they are only good enough for ‘seconds’; no wonder they can only laugh at each other.
There are people who are like chameleons; they know how to belong everywhere they go. They could be born-again, but in a bar, yu could not notice tthem because they have changed their colour to be like one of the drunkards. Then come Sunday, the church ‘suit’ is put back on.
Some people are like octopuses. They like to hold on to many things at the same time. Gluttons are said to be like them. But it could be even on material things. I know I have been very guilty of being an octopus.
Monkeys are very smart and yet quite daft. Hunters have caught moneys by prepairing a hole wide enough to fit a monkey’s hand, and placing an orange on the other side. The monkeys see the orange and stick their hand in the hole and take a hold of the orange which is slightly larger than the hole, and thereafter, they try and pull out their widened hands out of the small hole. They do not realize that by letting go of the orange, would allow them to remove their hands. But because they want their ‘cake’ and ‘eat’ it too, they end up being caught by the hunters (who in this case is the devil).
There are some people who have the tendencies of being tse-tse flies because they may bring about a lot of boredom in any situation, and as a result, they cause whatever plans that we have started to cease either because they cause there to be a negative consequence to anything that is started.
There are some people who are like mosquitoes because they only bring about disasters in everything they come across. There are many other flies I can talk about, but it would groos out this article.
Anyway, the Bible tells us to be like eagles, which soar very high and only eat fresh things. Jesus also said, “Be wise as serpents, but gentle as doves.” In Proverbs 30, we are introduced to some animals which are amazing. The ant, which works very hard during summer so that come winter, they will have plenty of food to eat lasting all winter.
The koni is a feeble creature that makes its dwellings around rocks because it is not very fast and therefore, it does not go very kfar from its home because in the event that a predator comes, it will not need to run very far to take cover away from its enemies.
The spider makes his dwelling in kings’ palaces. The spider also works very well with his hands i.e. building a home for itself and at the same time a trap for its food.
Locusts are the other animals mentioned in this passage. They have no control of how they would want to fly, but take advantage of the wind and it drives them to the next pasture. They have great strength in their hind legs which they use to leap up in the air when they sense there is a strong wind blowing. Jesus referred to the wind as the moving of the Spirit (John 3). So it is for you and I to be prepared at all times to move where the Holy Spirit would move us.
The Bible says, ‘Set your hearts and minds on things that are above.’ – Colossians 3. I suggest we be like the eagle who soars very high and does not meddle with things that are down here. You see, up there, there are no traffic jams and all that. Let us also be like the locust that are aware of the moving of the Holy Spirit, and are ready to be propelled where the Spirit wants us to go.
I realize I have not mentioned many other animals e.g. the dog, and how faithful it is to its owner, but at times makes a mess because it does not have great sanitary skills. I have not mentioned the mouse and the way it appears in stores without any invitation. The elephant and its great size, but very small brain (reminds me of a certain cartoon). The rhino and the way it charges forward without paying any attention to what lies on the other side of its target.
By the way, some people are referred to as crabs. Reason being that crabs are very funny in that if you put a bunch of them in a container, then you do not need to cover that container because none of them will come out. This is because crabs do not allow other crabs to escape and so they will always bring each other down when it seems that one of them is trying to escape. Some people are like crabs because they are not happy when others prosper and would rather they stay in that container (situation).
Unfortunately for crabs, when one of them manages to escape, they do not hang around telling the others how they did it, but instead they take off very fast away from that container.
The Bible refers to believers as sheep. Sheep are very dumb; they can follow each other even into pit holes.The reason believers are referred to as sheep is because as they follow their Shepherd (Jesus), He will never lead them into pit holes. They only believe before they see; which is what the Bible calls us to do. When we believe, then we will see. I remember those at the foot of the cross of Jesus wanted to see first and then they would believe. They were reversing the order. Let us be people who believe and then God Himself will enable us to see.
Some people, especially parents, are just like chickens. A mother hen would rather die than see any of her little chicks under her wings face the fire. The Bible also refers to God’s love for us as a mother hen has for her little chicks.
There are those among us who I choose to refer to as ticks or leeches because they do not employ their hands to work as the Bible states; “He that will not work, should not eat.” Or somewhere else Paul encourages people to put their God-given hands to work and stop stealing…mobiles from naïve public transport passengers (sorry for that; my work mobile was stolen in a matatu last Friday.
Before I forget, all of us are like donkeys in that we work hard for our servant in order to receive our ‘fair’ share of what we are worth. There are some cultures where a carrot is extended on a pole above the donkey, that gives it motivation to carry even heavier loads as it strives to reach to the dangling carrot, not realizig that the only way they will get to it is only after they have delivered the load they are carrying.
Unfortunately, the enemy (Satan) will never give us any rest even after delivering the load. Thank God that He has promised us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light – Matthew 11:30.
The truth is that we are all carrying some load(s); the only difference is whose load is it that we are carrying?
All the same, the reason I wrote this article is that we see that in one way or the other, when God put the animals before Adam to see what he would name them, was also maybe that Adam would realize that in some ways, he was more or less like those animals i.e. in his tendencies.
And Adam being in charge of them, he would know how to treat them.
Question: who were the first couple in the Bible to be chauffeur driven?
Question: How will you know Adam and Eve when you get to heaven?
Question: How do you fit a giraffe in a fridge?
Question: How do you fit an elephant in the fridge?
Question: The king of the jungle (lion) called for an impromptu meeting of all animals. All of them came except one. Which one didn’t attend the meeting?
Question: How many pairs of animals were in Adam’s ark?
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February 19, 2009 at 8:53 am
Hey there Pastors M&C
Thanks for the message.
However, I have a question. I’m a tortoise with skunky tendencies, and he’s a big gorilla. I need to understand why it’s so frustrating whenever I run away and hide in my shell.
I know why it’s frustrating for him to be all gorilla-like, but I don’t think that I will really learn to confront and deal with issues as soon as I can unless I really understand why he gets frustrated. It’s the weirdest thing, really.
Help?
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February 19, 2009 at 8:56 am
“”I know why it’s frustrating for him to be all gorilla-like””
As in I know why it’s frustrating for me when he gets all gorilla-like…
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February 19, 2009 at 10:19 am
@ martin first couple was Adam n eve (God drove them out of the garden),you’ll know Adam n eve in heaven coz they’ll have no navels.i’ll not try the animals one for the sake being higher than them in kingdom.don’t ask which one.
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February 19, 2009 at 11:03 am
@Martin:
Question: How do you fit a giraffe in a fridge?
Answer: Open the fridge and push it in
Question: How do you fit an elephant in the fridge?
Answer: Open fridge, remove giraffe and put in elephant
Question: The king of the jungle (lion) called for an impromptu meeting of all animals. All of them came except one. Which one didn’t attend the meeting?
Answer: Elephant. because martin has him locked in a refrigerator
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February 19, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Hi all,
Worry not, your cries have been heard! I’ve uploaded the P Point file of the different conflicting styles with a lot more detail. I’ll let Pst. M deal with the questions! God bless and have a great rest of the week.
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February 19, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Hi,
Thanks for the great sermons.
You and Pastor C are great. I love your sermons and the practical approach to everything.
I had given up on men and decided to get married if and when it happens.
Am glad I found your church.
Movin on is it possible for sermons to be uploaded faster as I am only in Kenya max 2 weeks in a month?
Cheers.
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February 19, 2009 at 5:02 pm
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and
said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open
my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I
raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks
and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each
other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to
our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had
lost my heart to Dew. I didn’t love her anymore… I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that She could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced
at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her
life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time,
resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved
Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I
had expected to see.
To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which
had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at
the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep
very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible.
Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she
didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me.
But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her
into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the
month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain.
From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more.
There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this.
I became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the
everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me,.. She had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.
Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever?
She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won’t divorce.
My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until deaths do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy.
Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage.
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February 20, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Robai, the article you have put up here is not only enlightening and challenging but very practical and it works. Thanks.
Thanks Pastors M and C for the great sermons you have have been giving us by the grace of God. God’s blessings upon your life as you continue ministering to the flock.
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February 20, 2009 at 10:23 pm
@ Robai,
That was deep and I can’t get it out of my mind and am Praying to remember to keep my commitments at all cost as Christ Streanghens Me.
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February 21, 2009 at 1:15 am
Robai,
Eh? That’s such deep stuff! I’m thoroughly humbled. I’ve just realized that all I want in my life is someone whose life I shall witness, and they mine.
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